I believe I have found some ways to make the majority of East End men happier and healthier people in 2015.
Why have I focused on the well-being of men only? Simple—because I am a man and the life expectancy of women already exceeds that of males.
While I am not a life coach, I have drafted some simple guidelines that, if adhered to, could improve the quality of men’s lives—and perhaps even the lives of those around us.
For men’s eyes only:
1. Do not consume alcoholic beverages except on weekends, holidays and those days the Nets, Knicks, Yankees, Mets, Giants, Jets, Islanders or Rangers play.
2. Take at least one nap each day. It is a proven fact that an afternoon nap will make you a more cheerful and productive person.
3. Make certain you have sex at least 4-5 times per week. Frequent sex improves overall prostate health.
4. Spend at least five minutes per day of quality time with your spouse, girlfriend or partner. This is in addition to the time spent on #3 above.
5. Design a man-cave in your home. Guys who have man-caves are more fulfilled than men who don’t have them.
6. Buy a television of at least 60 inches. The larger the television screen, the more contented the man. This has a trickle-down effect.
7. Increase the number of television channels you get to no less than 986. This variety of options will broaden your horizons while channel surfing.
9. Don’t shave. Thousands of men are injured shaving every year. Cuts from shaving can become infected and lead to death. Also, it will save you considerable time each day. For some, this may interfere with #3.
10. Make it a point to get a massage at least twice a week. Massage eliminates the toxins that build up in a man’s body from the stress of just being a man.
11. Read Dan’s Papers and DansPapers.com each week. Research indicates that men who routinely read Dan’s live an average of 3-5 years longer than people who don’t. This is absolutely, 100 percent, categorically true.
I am certain that these simple guidelines, if followed, will provide all around harmony in each and every home on the East End. Who’s with me?