Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Easter Heist, Twig Dispute

Easter Goes for a Hop
When hundreds of small children, Easter baskets in hand, set off across the fields of the East End in search of Easter eggs during last weekend’s Easter festivities, no one anticipated the disappointment that would ensue. After the hunts had gone on for five minutes and not a single child had managed to find an egg, a shocking realization began to dawn: the Easter eggs were gone! The children were understandably devastated, as were their dentists. Police are now in the midst of a massive investigation to find the person or, more likely, persons who made off with an estimated 11,500 plastic eggs filled with penny candy. “This was an organized, precision job,” said police spokesman Larry Hirsch. “Initial findings show that computer systems were hacked to retrieve the detailed maps that show the locations of individual Easter eggs, and surveillance footage is being reviewed. I suspect that we will discover coordinated strikes occurred, with several crack teams of egg thieves capable of stripping a field of Easter eggs in three minutes or less.” Hirsch could not verify rumors that some of the eggs had subsequently been offered for sale on the illicit online penny candy markets, but he acknowledged that police were pursuing “all lines of inquiry.” A coalition of philanthropic dentists has arranged for emergency supplies of jellybeans, gumdrops and hard candy to be delivered to pick-up locations throughout the area.

Sticky Situation
Police were called to keep the peace in a dispute Saturday between a wealthy homeowner and the foreman of his grounds crew. According to the police report, the dispute arose over when a particular twig appeared on the homeowner’s property. The homeowner had ordered the grounds crew to clear “all leaves, branches, twigs, etc.” from the property in advance of his arrival on Friday evening, and so was distraught to find “a twig the size of his ring finger” on his slate patio upon his arrival. When he brought the twig to the attention of his grounds crew foreman, the foreman insisted that the twig must have appeared during the short interval between when the grounds crew finished clearing the property and when the homeowner appeared. At this point, according to the report, the homeowner became “angry and violent” and allegedly threatened to violate the foreman with the offending twig. Police were called in to calm the situation. Both parties agreed to review surveillance footage to determine the source of the twig in question.

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