Hamptons Police Blotter: Parking Snobs, Jailbreak, Alien Fined

Aliens don't like landing rules either
Aliens don't like landing rules either, Photo: fergregory/iStock, Stockbyte/Thinkstock

Parking Complaint Raised
A group of irate motorists disrupted a planning session in Sag Harbor, where details were being worked out regarding parking in the village in the lead-up to Memorial Day. Police were called to maintain order. The motorists were upset because, while the authorities were attending to tightening restrictions on parking time limits in village lots, they were doing nothing to address the issue of “undesirable cars” sharing parking areas with expensive cars. Whitney Ogden Oates III, who pointed out that he was missing a very important business dinner with his friend Derwood Hodgegrass to attend the planning session, acted as a representative for the complainants: “When we come into town—to spend a lot of money, I might add—we find ourselves being forced to park our beautiful Aston-Martins and Bentleys next to plain old Chryslers and Chevrolets. It’s humiliating, and it interferes with the strong impression that our superior life achievements should make on others. Why, the other day, the only place I could find to park the silver Rolls-Royce was next to a dirt-brown minivan. People couldn’t even see the Rolls behind that cheap monstrosity!” Numerous attendees echoed Oates’s statement, and authorities promised to consider establishing a more exclusive parking lot for vehicles costing $100,000 and up.

Escape Reported
Finn Razorwire, Chief Warden of the Wainscott workhouse, reported that five inmates at the correctional facility had escaped last Friday. In his official report, Razorwire noted that the escapees, who range in age from 6–14, were last seen on Friday morning when they were sent to the village, shackled together at the ankle, with instructions to “fetch Master Razorwire a nice joint of mutton, a dozen saveloys and a flagon of gin.” When the boys didn’t return after three hours, Razorwire released his ravening hounds to track them down—to no avail. The five boys had all been sent to the workhouse to make bootblacking after being charged with vagrancy. This is the second major breakout from the workhouse in the past year.

Spacecraft Landing Leads To Fine
Authorities levied a $1,000 fine against an intergalactic space alien who landed his spacecraft in a potato field off Scuttle Hole Road in the early morning hours Tuesday. According to officials, the space alien was unaware of new regulations limiting the landing of “flying saucers, starships, time machines, etc.” on the South Fork between the hours of 10 p.m. and 8 a.m. “It’s a new rule,” pointed out spokesman Larry Hirsch, “and it will take a while for the word to reach other planets.”

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Three bootblack kids escaped the Wainscott workhouse this week
Have you seen this Wainscott workhouse escapee? Photo: bodnarchuk, Graham Whiles/iStock/Thinkstock

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