Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Texas Rules, Bicycle Gangs, PCPD

Panic Takes Over
Nervous residents across the East End called police to report uniformed figures performing maneuvers on a local bay beach. Made uneasy by hazy rumors of takeover plots circulating recently, including high-profile warnings of an impending takeover of New York State by the state of Texas, the callers were concerned that the activities they were witnessing were the beginnings of the establishment of a totalitarian state under the control of Texas. “The callers we spoke with were terrified,” noted police spokesman Larry Hirsch. “One woman said she had seen a group of officers marching past wearing 10-gallon hats and cowboy boots. Another thought he smelled barbeque. They were clearly so frightened they were hallucinating.” Hirsch assured the public that there is absolutely no truth to the idea that Texas has taken over New York State, and that those who spread rumors claiming otherwise will “find themselves saying ‘howdy’ to our new friends in Houston.” In closing, Hirsch said, “Y’all take it easy, and drive friendly.”

Police Wary of Bicycle Menace
As the weather has gotten better, local police have been bracing themselves for the renewal of tensions provoked by bicycle gangs on the East End. The gangs tend to travel in packs, dressed in skin-tight outfits of bright reds, blues, yellows, and even pinks—in complete disregard for fashion rules. They amass in public parks or at beaches, blighting the landscape with their eye-straining attire. They project an air of menace toward others on the road, making nearly everyone uncomfortable. They even upset local bird populations, who often mistake the brightly colored cyclists for potential mates—causing much embarrassment.

PC Police Make Arrests
The East End PC Police, a local enforcement unit charged with making sure sensitive topics are treated with the proper care, made several arrests over the holiday weekend. In one case, a group of girls playing jump rope were discovered to be repeating a traditional rhyme about a circus elephant being made to jump a fence, and were arrested for insensitivity towards an endangered species. “Even the Ringling Brothers have stopped the barbaric use of trained elephants,” explained PC Police Chief Nasser Decker. “These girls should have known better.” In another case, a group of young children were spotted playing Ring Around the Rosie and were taken into custody. “They probably think it’s just a game, but that little song they sing makes light of a dreaded disease that killed off over half the population of Europe in the 1300s,” Decker pointed out . The children are in jail awaiting official charges.

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