The Scoop

Obama Orders Aircraft Carrier to Hamptons for Helicopter Traffic

In light of a recent court decision permitting the Hamptons Municipal Board to restrict flight hours to the Hampton Airport, President Obama this week ordered the U.S. Navy to deploy an aircraft carrier off the coast of the Hamptons to accommodate the displaced helicopter traffic.

Deemed “Hampton Airport Extension,” which is designated in large letters across the carrier’s deck, the massive ship will make it possible for the East End’s most important citizens to travel with convenience and efficiency, during what Obama called a “trying time” for 1-percenters.

The Hamptons Board passed a law earlier this year to set curfews for takeoffs and landings at the municipal-owned airport. The law was designed to provide Hamptons residents relief from the noise of helicopters and other aircraft that are a constant source of discomfort as New Yorkers and other visitors arrive and depart on weekends—especially holiday weekends.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest said President Obama recognized that, heading into the Fourth of July weekend in the popular summer destination, the Hamptons had a crisis on its hands. 

“Why should taxpayers race to beat a curfew?” Earnest mused. “The presence of the USS Koch will ensure citizens may arrive in and leave the Hamptons at their leisure.” 

He further posited that curfews will result in helicopters crowding the air above the Hamptons shortly before the deadline—creating a dangerous situation. “We could lose some very valuable players in the world business and corporate community,” Earnest said, shaking his head with worry and dismay.

In addition to providing an aircraft carrier, the Navy will run a 24-hour shuttle between the carrier and the shore using lifeboat tenders gathered from local police departments and the United States’ various armed forces.

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