Police Blotter

Hamptons Aghast at Hamptons-Themed Amusement Park

Hamptons officials resorted to legal action last week to halt the opening of a newly built Hamptons-themed amusement park located in North Carolina.

Local authorities claim that the park infringes on the Hamptons’ exclusive rights to the “names, landscape and character that give the Hamptons their unique quality.” They believe that the North Carolina park as currently themed will unfairly draw visitors away from the actual Hamptons, causing damage to the local economy.

After getting no response to numerous requests for the park’s developers to change the name and character of the park, which the developers have named “The Hamptons,” Hamptons officials asked a judge to issue an injunction to prevent the park from opening. The judge has since ordered the park to remain closed while police investigate the matter.

Meanwhile, the theme park itself, which its developers don’t deny is an exact reproduction of the South Fork of Long Island starting from the Shinnecock Canal and running to Montauk Point, is reportedly fully constructed and staffed. Among the features of the theme park are a full-sized replica, made of plastic, of the Montauk Point lighthouse, a “Montauk Experience” party zone with realistically clad surfers, hipsters and irate homeowners, as well as a fully functioning facsimile of downtown East Hampton with the same stores and premium pricing. The staff of the park includes lookalikes of familiar Hamptons celebrities, including doubles of Alec Baldwin, Sarah Jessica Parker, Bob Balaban and Billy Joel, who will regularly appear in various places throughout the park to greet visitors.

“It’s like a Hamptons for those people who might not think they’re classy enough for the real thing,” developer Vince Dreck says. “Why can’t those people get a taste of it? That’s all we’re trying to give them.”

The judge’s decision is expected soon.

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