Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Traffic Study Extended, High-Roller Card Issued

Study Break
The Hamptons Police Department acknowledged this week that they’ve been conducting a long-term traffic study on the streets of Sag Harbor.

“We’re about 10 years in right now,” announced police spokesman Larry Hirsch, “and we expect to complete work on the study in the fall of 2021.”

Hirsch noted that discussing specifics of the study runs the risk of spoiling the results, but he was able to characterize it as “a sophisticated behavioral study to determine the emotional effects of bad driving on other drivers and pedestrians.” Hirsch went on to offer what he described as “sample experiments” which he said may or may not be a part of the study.

“One day we might, for example, send a driver in to execute a 7-point turn in the middle of a busy two-way street, while we take careful notes on the reactions of drivers who are forced to stop and wait for this illegal, jackass maneuver to be complete. On another occasion, we would send a trained actor to drive to the rotary and maybe pretend to be too stupid to understand how a rotary works, either by trying to edge into the rotary in front of cars already in the rotary, or by getting into the rotary and then suddenly stopping to let other cars in ahead of him. Again, we would take careful notes of how other drivers respond. Or, it could be as simple as having a weaselly guy in a convertible Beamer barrel past a pedestrian crossing without stopping for a pedestrian—I can tell you we’ve run that experiment many, many times.”

Researchers hope to determine whether people will become inured or radicalized by the bad driving. So far, according to Hirsch, the research has proven inconclusive—thus the extension until 2021. “That’s actually just a tentative date,” Hirsch explained. “We’re prepared to continue the study well beyond that date if need be.”

Voting Law Changed
Under pressure from advocacy groups, Hamptons officials recently adopted a new voting law, which will mandate a special ID card that has already been nicknamed the “Hamptons High-Roller Card.”

Hamptons residents can qualify for the new ID card if they own a house larger than 15,000 square feet, or if they have at least a 10,000-square-foot house and a luxury yacht. In addition, in order to receive the ID card, residents will have to prove ownership of a Maserati, Porsche or Mercedes and membership at one of a small list of elite sporting clubs.

Holders of the new ID cards will be guaranteed “fast-track” voting on election day and will also be permitted to vote twice in all local, state and federal elections.

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