Police Blotter

Dog Figure Skating Breakthrough: Can Barksana Baiul Do the Iron Lotus?

Emergency crews were called to a small, remote pond in Springs after several dogs fell through the ice there and were unable to swim to shore.

“The dogs belong to Raymond Hundtanz, the eminent dog trainer,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said. “He has been secretly training the dogs in figure skating, and he needed a secluded spot for them to work on their routines.”

According to Hundtanz, the dogs had recently learned a spectacular pyramid-configuration routine involving seven animals, and it was during their practice of this maneuver that the combined weight of the dogs cracked the ice and sent them into the frigid water.

The first responders were able to rescue all of the dogs, however, and Hundtanz vows to continue their training regimen, despite warnings from police that he and his canine skaters may not get such a quick rescue next time.

“I’m very grateful to the rescue men and police for helping me and my team, but our important work must continue no matter the risks,” Hundtanz said, pointing out that his top skater, Barksana Baiul, is making great strides toward becoming the best dog figure skater of all time. “Her grace is unparalleled,” he said of the large but svelte British bulldog. “I dare anyone to name a dog figure skater who could match her—not just now, but from the past two centuries of this sport.”

While no one has seen the videos to prove it, Hundtanz says Barksana Baiul easily mastered the triple Salchow, double Lutz and triple loop. Further, he boasts that the pup and her pairs partner, Dog Dorsey, is approaching mastery of the much vaunted Pamchenko twist and North Korea’s Iron Lotus. Neither move has ever been accomplished by a dog.

“Some may believe these moves to be simpler on four legs, but I assure you, this is not the case,” Hundtanz said before cutting his interview short.

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