Week of February 23 – March 1, 2017
Riders this past week: 1,211,912
Rider miles this past week: 12,684,412
DOWN IN THE TUBE
Hugh Jackman and Jessica Biel were seen chatting on the subway heading from Southampton to Water Mill on Thursday. Madonna, in cowboy boots and chewing on a piece of straw, was reading her email on the subway between Bridgehampton and Sag Harbor. Yes, you can now get email on the subway. We’re wired!
DEATH ON THE SUBWAY
The Hamptons Subway’s new Marketing Director Abraham O’Reilly, got fired as a result of a mix-up last Monday. It happened on the Southampton platform where 89-year-old Amos Greene was receiving the award (free subway passes for a month) for being the one billionth rider on the subway. As O’Reilly was opening the envelope to reveal the name of the winner (who was standing next to him), O’Reilly’s assistant Maggie McMullin came running out with another envelope, shouting “You’ve got the wrong envelope! He’s not the winner!” and bumped into Greene, sending him sprawling back and off the platform to the tracks in front of an oncoming No. 8 subway train. It was awful.
ANOTHER PROBLEM FOR O’REILLY
Five days earlier, declaring that Hamptons Subway should do its part for Sag Harbor’s annual HarborFrost, O’Reilly had a hot tub brought down to the Sag Harbor Platform on Friday afternoon for the “polar bear” people to splash around in, then had ice sculptors carve a whaler next to it. At midnight, New York’s famous Rockettes arrived in bikinis and performed a 10-minute dance. After the subway system closed for the night at 2 a.m., however, somebody threw the ice sculpture into the hot tub and by Saturday at 6 a.m., subway employees arrived to find the hot tub overflowing with lukewarm water. O’Reilly got a warning for that. The firing came later.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALISTAIR MCKENSIE
Our new Security Director, Alistair McKensie, celebrated his birthday in the third-floor cafeteria of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Avenue in Hampton Bays last Wednesday. Much of the staff attended. Mr. McKensie, a former member of the Canadian Mounted Police was hired after leaving that organization in a hurry for some reason, two weeks ago. The armed battalion that accompanies him everywhere fired a 21-gun fusillade out all the windows when McKenzie blew out the candles.
COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
There is no message from Commissioner Aspinall this week. At press time, we’ve learned that six hours ago—this was all supposed to be hush-hush, but it isn’t—he was taken to the hospital again to have his stomach pumped—this is the third time in five weeks. This time, finally, the doctors have a diagnosis. He is suffering from several serious disorders at the same time, a rare thing indeed. So he is not only in intensive care, but he is now the subject of a hospital-wide medical study. The disorders are hubris, braggadocio, paranoia, megalomania, Machiavellicus and narcissism. The magazine Diseases of Tomorrow, moving quickly, has now signed a contract to publish a paper on this subject as soon as this study is completed.
“At the moment we are just recovering from feeling baffled about all this. So that’s progress right there,” said Head of Hospital Dr. Felix Eisenhower.
It is believed Aspinall came down with this complex new disease after visiting Palm Beach on Subway business. The disease, besides being unique, is apparently stubborn. Get well soon, Mr. Commissioner.