If the Trump Administration has its way, the Hamptons Police Department’s Virginia-class nuclear submarine may not be patrolling local waters this summer. In a surprising case of what culturally insensitive people would call “Indian giving,” Trump and his advisors are looking to take back much of the then surplus military equipment given away to small community police forces back in 2015.
“Our new president is rebuilding America’s military might, including our nuclear arsenal and, as he never lets us forget, the man loves saving money and making good deals,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said in a press conference Friday. “So it makes sense, at least to him, to take back what’s already been given.”
In a statement sent to DansPapers.com, Trump’s press secretary Sean Spicer explains that the President has no qualms whatsoever about reclaiming the military’s former property. “This was the worst deal ever in the whole world and universe, so we’re taking the sub back and it’s going to be terrific,” the statement says, quoting President Trump. “While the sub has certainly done fantastic work taking out some pretty bad dudes out there in Montauk and elsewhere, we’ve got big plans to take down hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of badder dudes, big league bad guys, in Chicago-like, hell hole countries around the world.”
Despite the President’s compelling argument, Hamptons Police Department Submarine Unit Captain Finn Zorn said his team has no intention of returning the sub, named Jaws VIII, to the U.S. Navy. “Jaws VIII has become an integral part of our summer policing strategy, and losing it would create a vacuous space for seafaring crime to thrive,” Zorn said. “And I, for one, am not going to let that happen.”
This standoff is just getting started, but sources inside the Hamptons PD and the White House say both sides are gathering lawyers and preparing arguments for what they expect to be “a painfully long” battle in the courts.