Police Blotter

Melania Trump Resurfaces Aboard Hamptons Police Submarine

The First Lady's father is an old friend of Captain Curly McGruff.

First Lady Melania Trump has finally reappeared and she’s in Hamptons waters! The First Lady, who hadn’t shown her face since May 10, was spotted waving from the conning tower of the Hamptons Police Department submarine on Monday morning, June 4.

A single photograph seems to confirm the report, though it’s too far away to be sure.

No official word has been released from HPD or the White House, however, scuttlebutt has it that the disappearing FLOTUS has been anything but floating. According to a few trusted local sources, Melania has spent at least the past 12 days beneath the sea aboard Jaws VIII—a decommissioned Virgina-class nuclear submarine acquired by Hamptons PD in June 2015 as part of a program to outfit local police departments with military surplus.

New HPDSU (Hamptons Police Department Submarine Unit) captain, Curly McGruff, is an old pal of the First Lady’s father, Viktor Knavs, according to McGruff’s former first mate, Dale Hanlaw.

“Back when Curly was making big money and getting press for his Montauk Hand Fishin’ operation out here, Knavs was inspired to start a ‘Hand Hunting’ business and bring tourists go after brown bears with nothing but a knife and their wits in the forests of Slovenia—except it was Yugoslavia back then,” Hanlaw said Monday afternoon.

Eventually, according to Hanlaw, Knavs made the trip to Montauk. “He and Curly really hit it off,” he explained, noting that Melania became like a goddaughter to McGruff. “Those guys forged a lifelong friendship, so I wouldn’t be all that surprised if he did take her in on that sub—especially after all the bulls__t with her husband last month.”

Jaws VIII began policing Hamptons waters officially over Memorial Day weekend, but McGruff has been running training missions and trips on the sub since he took over as captain in December. “It’s definitely possible Curly could have snuck the First Lady aboard his vessel,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch said, “but it would be a breach of protocol.”

Hirsch said he would investigate the matter further, though he offered no promises to report his findings. “You know, Curly is a strong, independent captain who doesn’t appreciate intervention from the department—and that’s part of why we hired him,” Hirsch said. “Besides, it seems to me, maybe Mrs. Trump deserves a break, don’t you think?”

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