Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Submarine Predicts Record Arrests in Summer 2019

The new captain already intercepted counterfeit rosé on its way here from China.

The Hamptons Police submarine is back in the water, and the department expects a record number of arrests this summer as new captain Curly McGruff begins his second year at the helm. Summer 2018 proved surprisingly quiet thanks to McGruff, who forbade any press interactions and froze all public relations initiatives as he established his new brand of leadership on the sub.

RELATED: A Knife in the Chum Slick – Montauk Hand Fishin’ Remembered in New Film

As the 2019 season gets underway, McGruff says he’s ready to bring more transparency to his role as captain of the Virginia-class nuclear submarine, which was acquired by the Hamptons Police Department in 2015 as part of a government program to outfit smaller police forces with surplus military equipment and vehicles.

“Our Hamptons Police Department Submarine Unit [HPDSU], or Jaws VIII as we call her, had a strong summer last year, and we expect to deliver unprecedented arrests in 2019,” McGruff said this week, adding, “No waterborne criminals are beyond our reach or safe from justice.”

The salty sea captain also pointed out that the HPDSU has been scandal-free without first captain Finn Zorn, who had several PR hiccups, including getting the massive vessel stuck in the Shinnecock Canal locks and torpedoing a party boat off Montauk, which he mistakenly believed had weapons aboard. “In our first season since my predecessor’s departure, we’ve only done the business of submersible police work and nailing crooks who believe open water is an open door to poor judgment and illegal behavior,” McGruff said.

Jaws VIII began running training voyages between Shinnecock Inlet and the tip of Montauk on April 1, yet the team has already managed to rack up multiple arrests before their season officially begins over Memorial Day weekend.

“Just this week, during a routine trip to confirm patrol routes, we took down a boat smuggling counterfeit rosé from China, which turned out to be a fortified ‘wine’ product along the lines of Thunderbird or the late, great Cisco, which is no longer produced or sold,” McGruff said. “I can only imagine the vicious hangovers unsuspecting drinkers would’ve had to endure if this stuff penetrated our shores,” he continued. “And there’s no guarantee folks out here for summer would’ve known the difference until they were stinkin’ drunk after just a glass or two.”

McGruff and his crew should strike fear into the hearts of anyone stupid enough to cause trouble or break the law off the South Shore this summer. “We’re out there, people, and we’re watching,” McGruff said. “You don’t want to fall under the shadow of our conning tower.”

Read more tales from the Hamptons Police Blotter

Facebook Comments

Related Articles