Insecurity Questions


With so many of us setting up new accounts online for personal or professional reasons, we are facing a slew of security questions. The most common is “What is your mother’s maiden name?” Hello! It is 2020 and many women don’t change to a married name or what if you have two mothers or two fathers or are an orphan? And “What was your childhood phone number?” Hello! I can’t even remember what I had since my noon breakfast, let alone anything from childhood. There are actually companies that get paid to come up with security questions, so here is my audition for them.

Why did the chicken cross the road? (And you can’t say to get to the other side.)

What is the name of your first divorce attorney?

What is the worst fashion choice you have ever made?

Who is the one who got away?

What is the name of the first teacher you had inappropriate thoughts about?

What is the most egregious lie on your online dating profile?

What is your favorite conspiracy theory?

What was the name of the first stuffed animal you hung from a noose? (Just to ferret out those with serial killer tendencies.)

What is the strangest thing you’ve found when snooping in someone’s medicine cabinet?

If someone called you crazy, how would you best convince them you are not crazy?

What is your favorite element on the periodic table?

What historic figure would you like to have dinner with, then marry or kill?

What is the most embarrassing auto spellcheck correction you texted?

What is your favorite song when you need a good, ugly cry?

If you were on a diet and threw away your favorite food into the trash, what would be worth digging it out and eating it?

What is the most surprising thing someone would find in your glove compartment?

What sports figure would you most like to share a bubble bath with?

If you had a Kafkaesque metamorphosis, which insect would you choose?

If you were Cinderella and Prince Charming ran off with an evil stepsister instead, what would you do to him?

What would be the best act of kindness you could receive from a stranger?

If you could pick one animal to free from the zoo and bring to a dinner party, which would it be?

Who is the one person you would most like to get a letter from?

If you could forgive yourself for one thing, what would it be?

At the end of the process, you will have learned a lot about yourself. Even if you haven’t totally protected your account, you can consider it free therapy. Or you could just answer every question with Pea Soup.

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