Friends In A Pandemic Don’t Let Friends . . .


I think the anxiety is causing me to make some poor choices so before I act, I might need to ask a friend.

Should you . . .

Grow out your bangs or trim them with nail clippers?

Toss back a couple of vodka and V8 juices (found in the pantry which probably date to the ’80s) and call every ex to ask what he thought of you? Then ask if he would like to know what you thought of him?

Feel bad that your juicer has not been used once but the Bundt pan is in constant rotation?

Put up that hilarious selfie using a bra cup for a face mask?

Ingest bleach to cure the coronavirus or make you more blond?

Use a sewing needle and potato to re-pierce your ears because it’s been so long since you have put on earrings?

Accidentally confuse your home bikini wax with honey for your tea?

Admit that your new anonymous bandit mask makes you feel kinda sexy and want to rob a bank at the same time? Maybe one giving emergency small business loans to big business?

Get into a heated argument over the use of the Oxford comma when people are worried if they will live or die?

Think boxer shorts paired with a blazer is acceptable business attire?

Offer to buy dental floss off your sister for $20 so you don’t have to go to the pharmacy?

Start an Etsy site with adorable lip gloss painted Q-tip fairies?

Use a picture of the bar at the American Hotel for your Zoom virtual background for next business meeting? (Actually, I kind like that idea.)

Consider sheltering a rescue dog knowing when you give it back it will break your heart? (And telling you that keeping it might just be amazing.)

Alphabetize your spices? (Agonizing if Cream of Tartar is under C or T. And then trying to remember what the hell you use it for anyway.)

Use a pair of fishnet stockings as an exercise band?

Decide it is a good idea to start raising some chickens? (They will be fine in the spare bedroom.)

Start up an online romance with a German kickboxing instructor you found on a YouTube video under “Free workouts for American wealthy woman?”

Use nail polish to paint your bathroom trim because Sugar Daddy is just sitting there going to waste?

Apply for a job as a call center operator for customer complaints at a mattress company?

Think this an appropriate time to re-read “The Bell Jar?”

Consider burying all the wine bottles in the back yard rather than face the shame at the recycling center and the steady stream of crashing glass? (Maybe no one will recognize you with your mask on.)

Not speak your truth?

Because sometimes the ones pretending to be strong are the most terrified inside.

[email protected]

More from Our Sister Sites