Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 24–31, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 24–31, 2017

Week of March 24 – March 31, 2017
Riders this past week: 19,811
Rider miles this past week: 103,924

DOWN IN THE TUBE
“New York Housewife” Jill Zarin was seen on the Hamptons Subway with Jennifer Lopez heading from Bridgehampton to Water Mill last Thursday afternoon. Eric Clapton was seen with Ron Perelman on a Saturday morning subway heading from Georgica Station (now open for the summer) to points east.

SHOCKING REVELATION
The most successful offering on our subway system amongst the rich and powerful is the “International,” a fully equipped private meeting subway car for world leaders. It is available by reservation any night after the subway system closes down for maintenance at 2 a.m. and, when in use, slowly travels around the system all by itself for the next four hours. There is secretarial service, video conferencing and, of course, complete privacy. A small, soundproof caboose attachment is at the back of that car for the staff, who set up the bar and food, then retreat for the duration. In any case, we’ve ordered a new and improved “International” built by the subway manufacturing company we use up in Canada and, in going through things, we’ve discovered that during the Presidential Campaign it was rented by someone named Donald Putin. We found that on October 15, 2016, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump had that car to themselves and got on sober and came off arm-in-arm drunk and singing the Russian Federation National Anthem. We’ve turned what information we have over to the FBI. It all may mean nothing, of course.

KIDS WILL LOVE THIS
Though the new “International” has not arrived, another newly ordered subway car has. It is available to kids and parents. It looks like a rocket ship on its side and appears to go really fast but, of course, it doesn’t, since it’s in with the other cars on the train. Six trains are on the system going round and around at any one time and there is only one rocket car, so if you go to any platform and wait around as the trains come through, eventually you’ll be able to put the kids on the Rocket Train. You can go too. There’s no extra charge for this.

FIGHTING OBESITY
The Hamptons Subway employees who work in the Hampton Subway headquarters building in Hampton Bays and, who are almost all obese, petitioned Commissioner Aspinall last month to put a gym up on the roof of the building so on sunny days they could go up and work out. After hemming and hawing, the Commissioner complied and put the equipment in place, but on the night before the grand opening, it rained cats and dogs, ruining all the equipment. Nobody remembered to put up the rooftop canvas. As a result, the Commissioner said he would not do a gym again. But he would hire a trainer one hour a week to walk among them and demonstrate exercises they could do at their desks. This exercise lady, very obese herself, arrived for her first day last Monday eating a Big Mac and the staff said they would have nothing to do with her so she went away. She will be paid for the day, though.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
This discovery that Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump spent the night drunk together on the “International” three weeks before the election is truly shocking. We are now interviewing maintenance workers who saw them get on and off and also our service staff on that car who say they saw nothing, but the Russian Federation National Anthem was played over and over at very high volume the whole time. If all this is true, both of them should be impeached.

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