Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 1–7, 2017

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 1–7, 2017

Week of April 1–7, 2017
Riders this past week: 17,312
Rider miles this past week: 100,988

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Actress Renée Zellweger, who recently sold her house in the Hamptons, was seen with basketball star Jeremy Lin last Wednesday afternoon on the eastbound subway out of Southampton. Melania Trump, smiling, was seen traveling from Napeague to Montauk on Friday afternoon. Nancy Atlas performed on the East Hampton platform for subway goers for an hour on Saturday afternoon. She just felt like doing it, she said. Subway officials had to call an early halt to her program, however, because the music really smoked, the crowd began dancing and she didn’t have any permits.

CONGRESSMAN LEE ZELDIN
Congressman Lee Zeldin, accompanied by three bodyguards, graced the Westhampton platform for an hour on the Monday before the big health care vote was scheduled to take place, shaking hands with everybody and talking for awhile with Commissioner Aspinall who, hearing he was here, soon joined him. He explained why he would vote “yes” for the Trump plan to kill Obamacare. Twenty-four million fewer Americans would buy it, which meant less paper shuffling for the health care staff. The elderly and poor would pay more which was fair because they needed so much more health care than others. The new insurance would be more costly to administer, so it would create new jobs. And the new insurance would be cheap for the rich because, as Zeldin said, “being rich is what the American dream is all about, so here’s a new perk never offered before.” There could also be a new cheap health insurance that wouldn’t cover anything, but would just help you feel good to be part of something new. Commissioner Aspinall said he was so excited with this he’d immediately activate it for his Hamptons Subway employees even if it never passed, which, as we know, it didn’t. Zeldin gave him a copy.

The bodyguards accompanying Zeldin carried mouth corks they could use to shut up anybody who tried to disagree with Zeldin. None were needed, however, as everyone, seeing the burly bodyguards and the corks, kept silent. A good sign, Zeldin said.

ACROBAT KILLED
Entertaining the crowds on the platform at Southampton Thursday afternoon—with a permit—were a team of young acrobats from Bulgaria wearing skintight spangled-orange outfits. In their finale, they made a human pyramid and flipped Zoltan Snit from the top down on the tracks, from which he sprang back up to the edge of the platform and raised his arms in triumph. The crowd loved it. So they made the pyramid and he did it again. This was a mistake.

E TRAIN
At the urging of straphangers, big maps of the subway system have been placed on the walls of all subway platforms. After they were hung, however, it was realized that the designers had listed every train as an F Train, when, in fact, they are all E Trains. Magic markers have been hung on strings next to the maps and straphangers are asked to add the line making an E and F wherever they see F on their maps. People using the markers to scribble graffiti on the maps instead of helping will be punished. Remember, surveillance cameras are everywhere.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Zoltan Snit has been buried in a small concrete crypt where he died between the tracks at Southampton. Every train passing over that crypt will experience a little bump and thus stir the memory of his performance, enjoyed by so many. He left us too soon.

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