More Trump Tapes: Yes, They Exist and We Have Them Here at Dan’s Papers

More Trump Tapes: Yes, They Exist and We Have Them Here at Dan’s Papers

The Trump Tapes continue…

May 15, 3:42 p.m.
– So here we are, 100 days. You’ve completed 100 days as President of the United States.

– I’m just getting started, Steve.

– Ha ha ha.

– But there’s one thing I don’t understand.

– What is that?

– The Supreme Court. It’s been 100 days. And nobody new has died.

– Died?

– You’d think that with 100 days gone by, one of them might die. Even two. They’re all old. They know the score. They need to get with the program.

– I’m sure some of them will.

– Well, what’s holding them up? I need to leave my mark. They need to hurry up and die. Maybe there’s some way we can help them along.

– You mean the liberal ones.

– Of course. They are the enemy.

– Your friend Vladimir. What he does with the enemy is poison them. If you did that…

– I’m not saying I would do that.

– If you would do that, it would help them along.

– It most certainly would. Look. I’m not going to call Vladimir. If you want to call Vladimir, I don’t want to know anything about it.

– How would he even know which ones were the liberals and which ones were the conservatives?

– Somebody could tell him. Draw him a picture. Show him how they vote. Translate their names into Russian. But like I said, I wouldn’t want to know anything about it. So don’t do it. And don’t tell me. Just tell me when its over.

– So are you giving me an order?

– No, I said, dammit, I’m not going to do this. What are you, crazy?

May 22, 11:45 a.m.
– You guys are supposed to tell me these things!!

– Stop yelling, sir.

– How the hell am I supposed to know that the FBI does whatever it wants! It reports to the President, does it not?

– The director does, sir.

– Then why, when I tell them what they are supposed to do, do they not do it? I told them to stop this witch hunt with the Russians. I told Comey. I told him three times. How dare these people disobey me?

– Stop pacing around, sir.

– General, I’ll pace around if I want. There’s no law against that, is there?

– No sir.

– And these top secrets that I shared with the Russians—how am I supposed to know that there’s a law against that?

– It’s not a law, sir. It’s procedure. You tell the Russians, the Russians tell the Syrians, the Syrians bomb the Israelis. It’s a procedure that saves lives.

– It makes perfect sense. But why don’t you tell me these things before I do them?

– I think you were told, sir.

– Bull crap!! And these judges? These so-called judges. I can’t criticize them? I can’t suggest they be taken down?

– It’s in the Constitution. It’s the checks and balances of the three branches of government.

– I’m a businessman. I know checks and balances.

– Yes you do, sir. But this is history. Surely you know our history.

– Bull crap.

– Who was the first President of the United States?

– Are you making fun of me? Get out! All of you!

(Sound of chairs moving back, slamming of doors. A telephone is picked up.)

– Get me the band. I don’t care. The Marine band. Whatever. You the head of the band? I want to know, how do I get you to stop playing “Hail to the Chief?” I hear it 20 times a day. Dum da da Dum da da dum de dum de dum dum. Every time I come into a room. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to hear it anymore. “Anchors Aweigh?” I don’t want to hear “Anchors Aweigh” anymore, either! Don’t you get it?

(Sound of telephone being slammed down)

Read more Trump Tapes

BACK TO Dan Rattiner's Stories

You must be logged in to vote.