Police Blotter, April 22, 2011

Barn Fire

A barn fire broke out in Water Mill on the Halsey Farm. The barn was a total loss, but thankfully nobody was injured. Four fire departments on the East End responded to the blaze.

Problem Child

A mother in East Hampton called police after she became fed up with her teenage son smoking pot in his bedroom. When police arrived, they approached the son’s bedroom with a stiff knock on the door. The teenager was caught with a significant quantity of marijuana on his person and police moved in to arrest him. When police told him that he was under arrest, the young man began to resist and fought with the police officers, yelling and screaming. Officers had to hold him down and handcuff him before they took him away to jail. Wowzers.


A man in Southampton was pulled over for driving in the middle of the night with no headlights on. Police who pulled him over also noticed that the man had no functioning brake lights and that the car was un-inspected, unregistered and did not have insurance. While being arrested the man was quoted saying, “Yeah, that really was pretty stupid.”

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 96, and former World War II sniper specialist, was walking down Main Street on Shelter Island picking up his weekly subscription to Guns and Ammo from his Post Office Box and dropping off his weekly handwritten letter to President Obama, when he suddenly became alerted to the presence of a hippie. McGumbus was awestruck by the hipster before him. Skinny jeans, check. Tight t-shirt with a Beatles’ logo on it, check. But unlike a normal hippie who averages between 18 and 30 years old, this was an old-man hippie, a rare sight on Shelter Island, who was possibly 65 years of age or more. Shocked McGumbus found himself scared and confused. Who was this hippie old guy before him? Without time to react the old hippie drew a guitar from his station wagon and actually started PLAYING right in front of Old Man McGumbus. Dizzy, sweaty, angry, McGumbus raced toward his Jeep in order to grab his Remington 870 12-gauge shotgun, but tripped over the old-man hippie’s dog, a Chihuahua, sending him crashing head first into the pavement below. McGumbus was awoken by the very same dog licking his face. Gaining his wits about him, McGumbus began to crawl toward his Jeep and was heard stating repeatedly, “Those hippies. THOSE DAMN HIPPIES!!!!” before eventually passing out from exhaustion. He was rescued by the Shelter Island Fire Department.

Completely Violated

A woman, while at a party in Wainscott, reported to police that a man had reached up her shirt and grabbed her by her breast while she was at the party. She then stated that the same man followed her into a bathroom and tried to kiss her at which time she pushed him away and went to sleep in a bedroom that she was sleeping in at her friends house who was throwing the party and where she was spending the weekend. The man then yet again, walked into her room and climbed into bed with her, attempting to kiss her again. She then called the police and the man was arrested. Let’s hope this guy gets put behind bars for a long, long time

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