Police Blotter, May 27, 2011


A headless body was discovered on the beach in Amagansett. Police have opened a full investigation into the discovery. The body was badly decomposed and it was unclear from the police report whether or not the head had been severed or if the decomposition of the body was the cause. The body was discovered on Sunday near Big Albert’s Landing, which is a bay beach.

Spa Trouble

Two men in a sauna in Hampton Bays began arguing over politics. Both men started to yell, and it did not get physical, but it did draw the attention of security people at the spa who asked both men to leave. Both men agreed to leave the spa and no charges or calls to police were made over the very heated argument.

Water Foul

A man in East Hampton decided that it would be appropriate to get back at his neighbor for an insult by spraying him with water from a hose. The neighbor became soaked, and then decided that he was going to shoot his neighbor with a hose. Both men stood there, soaking each other, until one of their wives broke up the argument. True story. It was a very soaked argument.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 97, and former World War II letter typist, has agreed to take down his 12-foot neon, “Vote For Donald Trump” sign that he placed at his home last week after coming home from his recent stint as a Trump presidential campaign strategist. McGumbus was caught last week in the Shelter Island guns and ammo shop in a police sting after he recently tried to purchase a bazooka illegally. He was released on his own recognizance and issued a press statement that, “I apologize for my actions on my recent attempt to purchase a bazooka. I currently own a tank and several WWII fighter planes and I thought that if I am allowed to own those, then I should be allowed to own a bazooka.”

When asked why he wanted to buy a bazooka McGumbus responded, “Protection from hippies…and I am am planning a really, really good Memorial Day weekend.”

Boat Fire

The North Sea Fire Department and the Southampton Fire Department responded to a boat fire that completely destroyed a motorboat that was docked. Nobody was injured in the fire and the boat was towed out of the water for disposal. This sort of reminds me of that old joke, “The two best days of owning a boat is the day you buy it and the day you sell it…and then that day that you find out that it sank in a dramatic ball of flames.”

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