Hamptons Police Blotter, June 24, 2011


A man was found asleep in his car sitting in the driver’s seat with the car running. The car looked suspicious to a police officer and after approaching the vehicle and checking on the man, they found him to be intoxicated. He was arrested for drinking and driving.


Bit Thumb

A man in Montauk reported that he was in an altercation with another man at a nightclub, and during the fight his thumb was bit. The altercation went a little something like this: [expand]

“Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?”

“I do bite my thumb, sir.”

“Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?”

“Is the law on our side, if I say ay?”


“No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir.”

“Do you quarrel, sir?”

“Quarrel sir! no, sir.”

“If you do, sir, I am for you: I serve as good a man as you.”


Shelter Island

In preparation for the July 4th fireworks show, Old Man McGumbus, 98, and a former World War II grenade specialist, gave a presentation about his fireworks expertise to a crowd of about 30 people while standing out in front of the library. McGumbus was demonstrating a new firework he claims to have invented, which is a firework that explodes in the sky in red, white and blue colors with the explosions tuned to sound like the Star Spangled Banner. McGumbus calls the new firework The Patriot Explosion. After a brief speech that involved rhetoric about why he feels Donald Trump should be the next President and the rights of citizens to bear arms, McGumbus set off The Patriot Explosion; however, something went terribly wrong. The firework shot up into the air as planned, but did not explode until it hit the ground, and when it did explode, it exploded directly in the middle of Julie Breyer’s Pig and Goat Farm. The explosion did sound very much like the Star Spangled Banner, but it sent the pigs and goats running all over the island, knocking over tables and bookshelves in the library, as well as disrupting traffic. The crowd also panicked as McGumbus had a World War II flashback and drew his M4 assault rifle and began firing it into the air. He was heard screaming, “YOU DAMN HIPPIESSS!!!!” until he was tackled by a fellow member of McGumbus’ organization, The Shelter Island Assault Rifle Owners’ Club. The goats and pigs were rounded up and no charges were filed against McGumbus, who is planning another demonstration next week.



A raccoon in East Hampton became stuck inside of a trashcan. It drew the attention of a witness, who called police. By the time the police arrived to check it out, the raccoon had managed to get itself out of the trashcan.

–David Lion Rattiner [/expand]


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