Ketchup Catastrophe


A man in Bridgehampton decided that he was going to threaten the staff at a Bridgehampton eatery after he and his wife were told to try and calm down their children. The mother of the children left and the man returned, lifted up a ketchup bottle and yelled out, “I’m going to destroy this place.”


A deer was hit by a Toyota Prius last week in Southampton. The Prius didn’t make it.

No Building Permit

A man in East Hampton walked onto another man’s property and began yelling and using profanity at the owner of the home over a dispute about a building permit. In other news, a man in East Hampton began yelling and screaming obscenities at a TCO who issued him a ticket for not having a beach permit. [expand]


A woman called police after she left the keys in her and parked it in East Hampton, only to find out that somebody took it for a joy ride. The car was filled with mud and trash when it was returned to the woman and she did not know who borrowed it.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 101 years of age, Chairman of the Shelter Island Assault Rifle Owners Alliance and former World War II paratrooper, was arrested last week after he became intoxicated while drinking Wild Turkey bourbon at seven in the morning. McGumbus was eating a bacon sandwich that he just got from the Shelter Island deli and was drinking bourbon out of a Styrofoam cup while sitting on a park bench on Main Street. In a drunken stupor, McGumbus then threw the glass bottle of Wild Turkey at a man who was walking into the Shelter Island Coffee Shop and Bookstore, who was dressed in skinny jeans, a Beatles t-shirt and black- rimmed eyeglasses. McGumbus screamed, “Get out of my town you damn hippie!” and launched the Wild Turkey bottle at the face of the victim. The victim then reported that McGumbus lunged for him, but tripped over a beagle, and fell to the ground. When the victim attempted to help McGumbus up, the old man ripped his earring out of his ear and attempted to poke him in the eye. McGumbus then passed out.


Dog Poop

A man in Southampton parked his car at the beach and accidentally left his car in neutral. His vehicle then rolled directly into a dog poop mitt dispenser, from which bags are delivered out freely at the beach in East Hampton and throughout most of the Hamptons.


–- David Lion Rattiner [/expand]

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