Sheltered Islander

Six Flags Fleeces

People on the Island get what we call “rock fever.” That means you have to get off Island every so often and see how the other 99.9% percent of the country lives.

Recently, while we were in Maryland, my daughter, Chenoa, and her friends went to Six Flags, while I stayed home and watched my toddler granddaughter. I watched her from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m., that’s 13 fun-filled hours of watching her favorite movies, Tangled and Elmo in Grouchland, over and over and over. It was a personal challenge for me. A stress test to see how much I could handle before turning to drugs or alcohol. I made it through the day, although I don’t remember much after the first 10 hours. My daughter said I was conscious, but not responsive, when she got home. Apparently I smelled of Desitin and had Gerber’s Meat Sticks on my breath when she rescued, I mean, when she found me. The baby was fine, having pulled all the cushions off the couch, spread out all the DVDs, put Jell-o on the TV remote and…well, we’re still looking for the phone. [expand]

For all this I was given as payment one $7 Wonder Woman key chain. That my daughter managed to afford such an extravagance after a full day of monopolized merchandising is a miracle. My tale of woe is nothing compared to what my daughter endured at Six Flags. She has never been so thoroughly fleeced in her life. Six Flags has turned into an egregiously avaricious enterprise that has created the most odious and nefarious ways of choking every cent out of the victim, aka, visitor.

Naturally, there are high entrance and parking fees, everyone can live with that. It’s the things they do to insure you are FORCED to spend much more money there that are outrageous.

They now search your handbag. That would stop me right there. You can x-ray my handbag, but where do they get off searching a woman’s purse?  You may not bring any food or drink of any kind in the park. If you do bring in a can of Coke you have the choice of letting them throw your hard earned money into the trash for you, or harkening back to your college days and chugging it like a frat boy. The drinks inside are $4 and are 75% ice. My daughter had to instruct the servers not to put more than one scoop of ice in her drink. A single slice of cheese pizza is $7—one slice, no toppings!  Naturally, since you can’t bring in food or drink, you have to support their blatant pressure to buy their offerings.

You also may NOT bring your handbag—or any bag or anything other than one of their drink cups—on a ride with you anymore. You can’t set it by the exit to pick up as you leave. Each ride has a set of lockers nearby. You pay $1 to rent the locker for two hours BUT you may only open the locker ONE time! Should you accidentally forget something you must then play the memory game, remember the five-digit number on your locker, then pay another dollar to have the attendant open it again. You must rent a locker at each ride, or you don’t ride. It can add up fast. Chenoa gave me other examples of Six Fleeces, but I think they missed out on a few good ideas for further stealing your money.

Additional Fleecing Ideas for Six Flags:

1. Weigh each victim as they come in and figure out how much strain they put on the rides and walkways, then calculate the amount of electricity it takes for an electric roller coaster to pull a 150 lb. person and charge them per kilowatt.

2. Make cigarettes, chapstick, sunblock and Advil contraband as well. You’d collect enough first-born children selling these essential items that you won’t need all those minimum wage teenage employees anymore.

3. Stop giving people a cup full of ice with a little bit of soda, this is an old trick, let’s try a new one. The heat index the day Chenoa went was 115, start charging for the ice! People will drink their watered-down soda because it’s cold, but a warm cup of soda on a hot day goes flat and is about as refreshing as hot beer. Ten cents a cube! That’s how you squeeze blood from a stone.

Chenoa learned a valuable lesson. Spending too much money trying to have a good time can defeat the purpose. The Island formula for happiness is still the best: steamed clams, beer, sunset at Wades Beach. Cost: $20. Value: Priceless. [/expand]

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