Marijuana Arrests, Group Fight, Rock Throwers


A group of surfers were arrested at Ditch Plains after police noticed them smoking marijuana. The surfers were all sharing a marijuana cigarette when they were approached by an officer who could smell the smoke. The officer subsequently arrested the men, and one of them was quoted as saying, “But we’re surfers.”

Angry Clubber

A man who was angry at a nightclub in East Hampton decided that it was a good idea to start throwing rocks at the establishment. A doorman at the club called police and when they arrived, the doorman identified the rock thrower who was highly intoxicated. The rock thrower was asked for his ID at which point he slapped the hands of one of the officers and then pushed him. The officer then arrested the man. Here’s a little tip for all you folks out there, pushing an East Hampton police officer and slapping him is a really, really bad idea.

Shelter Island 

Old Man McGumbus, 99 years old and retired World War II fighter pilot, organized a rally outside of Jack Hempstan’s establishment, The Shelter Island Book and Coffee Shop. McGumbus has a very public feud with Hempstan, and calls him, “The owner of the headquarters of the hippie menace that is destroying America.” McGumbus and 15 other men who are all members of the Shelter Island Assault Rifle Owners Club, of which McGumbus is the President and C.E.O., were all holding signs that read, “Go home hippies” and “This is America! Are You Kidding Me?” while chanting out the words, “What do we want? The hippies gone! When do we want it? Now!” Hempstan then, in what appeared to be a sign of truce, offered a plate of freshly made brownies from his establishment. Not one to say no to a brownie, McGumbus and his men happily ate, when suddenly all of his men started to burst into laughter and began singing the song “Kumbaya.” Realizing the treacherous trick, McGumbus, while hysterically laughing, walked into the Shelter Island Book and Coffee Shop and lunged at Hempstan. The two men wrestled around the establishment and while all this took place, the other men outside entered the store and began eating ice-cream milkshakes which the Shelter Island Book and Coffee Shop is known for. When police arrived, they found McGumbus holding Hempstan in a headlock and 14 members of the Shelter Island Assault Rifle Owners Club asleep on the floor with chocolate around their lips. While being arrested, McGumbus was heard yelling, “So help me, I will stop this hippie infection from spreading any further through my town!” You can watch the entire ordeal on the Internet as many hipsters inside the store videoed it with their cellphones.

No Money

A restored Corvette pulled into a gas station in East Hampton and the owner of the vehicle pumped his own gas while the attendant went into the bathroom. The driver of the Corvette then left the gas station without paying.


Somebody threw a piece of wood through the window of a museum in East Hampton.

                                              —David Lion Rattiner

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