Dan Rattiner's Stories

In An Emergency, Press the Eject Button

This week, Kohler introduced a toilet for the man (or woman) who has everything. Now you might not have thought a new toilet is in a category of things that a wealthy man (or woman) would consider for purchase, but then you don’t know this toilet.

You’ve noticed by now that twice I’ve said man (or woman). And there’s a reason for it. Here’s a list of a few of the features in the magazine advertising for this toilet. Note number 5.

1. Integrated toilet and bidet.

2. Opens, flushes, closes automatically.

3. Self-cleaning wand.

4. Integrated speakers.

5. Male sensor.

Care to know a little more? Well, it has a remote control. It costs $6,400. It has a deodorizing filter. It has a precision air dryer. And let me tell you about the integrated speakers.

Among the many things you can do with your remote is press “music.” You might want to do this when you first enter the bathroom because, with the volume control and so forth and so on, you might want no one outside the bathroom to know what you are doing in there.

As you can imagine, the Kohler Numi Toilet is really making a, um, splash. I read a review of this toilet on a website called www.endgadget.com, which reviews all the latest phones, pads, computers, printers and, well now, toilets.

“The Numi does just about everything for you, aside from the stuff that, well, only you can do,” the reviewer wrote. “Looking something like a fancy pop-top waste bin, Numi comes complete with a self-opening and closing lid so you never have to touch the toilet seat…heating elements to keep your toes and tush toasty and there’s an illuminated panel for nighttime rendezvous…Of course, no connected appliance would be complete without a touchscreen, and the Numi’s no exception. It has a touch panel remote that you can use to set your specifications.”

Endgadget has a place where readers can respond with their comments, and the Numi got some wonderful ones.

“What b.s. $6,000 and it doesn’t even come with a certified iPhone/iPad dock?”

“Can it get you to the ministry of magic?”

“For that price, it has to tell me whether or not I have enough fiber in my diet.

“How come this didn’t end up in the crap gadget section?”

“No comedic user comments could ever possibly match the logs (literally) of what I’m sure is the greatest beta testing group of all time! Just imagine the content of the bug reports. What happens when your toilet crashes? Do you get the blue bowl of death?”

“Hi. Thank you for purchasing the Numi. My name is John. How can I help you? Are you currently sitting on the bowl?”

“It doesn’t wipe? I could buy a slave to live in my bathroom an wipe my a— and spit-shine it and still it would cost me less than this junk.”

“What happens in a power outage?”

And here’s my favorite.

“If you drop the remote in the toilet, you’re shit out of luck.”

The Kohler Numi is available at stores… well, I have no idea.

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