Protests, Stabbing, Train Tracks

Get This Guy Behind Bars

A teenager from East Hampton was stabbed with a knife after a house party in Bridgehampton. The 16-year-old boy was attacked near Scuttlehole Road, and told police that he was jumped by several people after he approached a man that was hitting on a friend of his that he didn’t know. The boy went to the hospital and is going to be fine. If anybody has any information on this, for crying out loud call the police and get this guy put behind bars. You can call anonymously by calling 631-702-3454 or 631-702-2230. You can also e-mail [email protected].

Bad Couple

A couple got into an argument in Hampton Bays at the train station and during the argument the man pushed his girlfriend off the platform and onto the train tracks. There wasn’t an oncoming train, but police responded to the scene. While the boyfriend was being arrested, the girlfriend began to scream and refused to give police her name. She was then arrested as well. Ah, love.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 103 and former World War II undercover spy in Nazi, Germany, left Shelter Island for the first time in over 48 years in order to attend the Occupy The Hamptons protest in Sag Harbor. McGumbus went undercover, dressed fully as a hipster, wearing skinny jeans, black-rimmed glasses, and a t-shirt with a blue scarf and beanie hat to cover his bald spot. While at the protest, McGumbus tried to gain as much information as he could from his enemies, and was using his military training that he learned during WWII. But every time McGumbus asked a protester a question, he kept getting a vague answer, “Why are you here?” McGumbus said. “I’m here because I’m standing up for what I feel is right.” Frustrated and confused, McGumbus then watched in sheer terror as a green mohawked hipster began giving a public speech by the windmill. “DAMN YOU HIPPIES!!!” McGumbus cried as he pulled out his trusty M-191 rifle. The gun however, jammed, and one protester took it out of his hand, and thinking that McGumbus was screaming cheerfully, hoisted up McGumbus into the air. McGumbus then yelled out, “I HATE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO MY COUNTRY!!” To which the crowd cheered and after one protester from Shelter Island recognized Old Man McGumbus, began a hippie cheer of “WE LOVE THE WORLD, WE LOVE MCGUMBUS.” McGumbus then fell off the shoulders of one of the protesters and landed hard on the ground, knocking him unconscious. He was revived on Shelter Island.


A gray Vespa was stolen from a garage in East Hampton. The keys of the Vespa were in the ignition. The Vespa was worth $8,000. Police are looking for a man wearing sunglasses, a scarf, smoking a cigarette, and saying “Ciao” all the time.

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