Stolen Clubs, McGumbus Assault

Golf Anyone

A golf club in Bridgehampton reported that $5,000 worth of golf equipment was stolen from the club last month. Of course, this is the Hamptons, so $5,000 worth of golf equipment could really just mean a very special putter. Police are launching a full investigation.



A man in Sag Harbor was arrested after he literally took off his belt and began beating another man using the buckle. The man that he beat needed to go to the hospital. The belter was charged with assault. All too many people out there just had horrible childhood flashbacks after reading this report.


Shelter Island

In an effort to increase subscriptions to his magazine business, Old Man McGumbus, 103 and former World War II tank commander, went door to door around Shelter Island selling yearly subscriptions to the magazine he owns, founded and is the Editor-in-Chief of, Guns, Grenades, Rocket Launchers and Flamethrowers Magazine. The publication, which has been waning in recent years due to, “The hippie menace,” according to McGumbus, is currently in bankruptcy for $74 million dollars. Old Man McGumbus was arrested last week for assault after he knocked on the door of a homeowner on Shelter Island and began his sales pitch, but was asked to leave by the owner of the home who was not interested and said to McGumbus, “I don’t like guns, I don’t own guns and I think that nobody should own a gun,” after which he slammed the door in McGumbus’s face. McGumbus responded to the insult by screaming, “YOU DAMN HIPPIE!!!” And then grabbed an axe out of his 1976 Buick and axed his way into the house, and then got into a wrestling match with the homeowner. The owner, who does not own a gun and was unable to defend himself, wrestled with McGumbus. The homeowner’s dog began barking, which alerted other dogs in the neighborhood to bark, and everybody on Shelter Island knows that when a lot of barking is going on, something BIG is going down on Shelter Island. McGumbus was arrested for assault after the barking reached the local precinct. Ironically, after the news broke out about the arrest, the parent company of Guns, Grenades, Rocket Launchers and Flamethrowers Magazine, Gasoline Dynamite Inc., which has stock on the New York Stock Exchange, went up by over 45% in one day.

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