Solving America’s Problem with a Pee & Poop Tax


It is a very politically charged year in this great country we call the United States of America. And perhaps this election is as important as any we have ever had. It doesn’t matter what your political affiliation is, what should matter is which candidate has the best plan to turn our economy around and make this a better place to live.

That brings us to Taxes. This has been a constant point of interest, not just in this election, but going all they way back to the year 1773, when that Colony in Massachusetts threw all that tea overboard. This year is no different. There are promises of a flat tax, a 999 tax, a 666 tax (that one scares the superstitious), etc. Whichever Candidate has the best tax plan might just win this election.

The solution is the Pee & Poop Tax Plan. I also like to refer to it as “The Trickle Down Plan.” It is simple, yet brilliant. Tax each household based on the number of times they use the toilet. The author Taro Gomi reminded us in her book by the same name, Everyone Poops. So each toilet in the house will be fitted with a Toilet Meter and once a month a Federal Meter Reader will come to your house and take a reading. This is also a jobs creation program because that will require a significant number of people to fill those positions.

Now here is the real beauty of the plan. It distributes the tax liability based on consumption. Maybe a better way to put it is that it is based on what happens after consumption. Anyhow, a family of five is going to put more of a drain on the Federal, State, County and Municipal Services than a family of three. So the larger family should be taxed with that in mind. In the current system we actually give a tax deduction for having more children. It is crazy.

On average, a Chevy carrying five people takes more gas to get from Port Jefferson to East Quogue than the same car with only three occupants. Perhaps the real reason for the recent escalation in gas prices is not the fault of OPEC but that of your neighbor who has all those kids being toted around from spot to spot. They should be taxed accordingly. While we are on the subject of these oversized families, let’s also penalize them by making the carpool lane only for cars with one occupant. Aren’t you tired of seeing a mom in a minivan full of kid’s breeze by you while you are stuck in traffic on the Expressway?

Another benefit of the plan is that it also reduces the complexity of tax filings. Under the plan it will only require a simple one-page document. If your combined meters registered 8,000 flushes in the year, that number would be multiplied by $2 per flush and your tax liability would be $16,000.00.

As with any plan, there will need to be an enforcement department to make sure people don’t start relieving themselves in their yards. Some cheaters will try to get around the system by using the restrooms in public places or businesses. To address this issue, I am proposing that an executive order be signed that stipulates that all non-residential bathrooms be fitted with Federal Collection Toilet Pay Slot Machines. Some of you will remember the pay toilets of the past. In this way cheating is eliminated and businesses are given a 100% tax break because the Slot Machine Revenue will replace any tax liability the business might have otherwise incurred. (The term Slot Revenue comes from the casino industry where you also have to make a slot deposit before the action takes place) This lack of direct taxation to businesses will jumpstart the economy as well.

While we are on the subject of jobs creation, these toilet devices will all be made in America, by Americans. Considering the hundreds of millions of houses and businesses, this will be a significant manufacturing bonanza. It could be what restores us back to being a global powerhouse. Let the other countries still manufacture their consumer electronics. Once this idea takes off, they will be begging us to supply them with our meters and slot machines.

Before you ask the question, yes there will be special adjustments in the plan. For instance, each house with a man over 50 years of age will automatically get a 50% weak prostate discount. So that’s the Poop Tax Plan in a nutshell. Presidential Candidates take note.

Disclaimer: This plan has yet to be reviewed by any government accounting agency and thus any representations of cost savings or jobs creation should not be considered accurate until such time that they are proofed. The plan is not in any way to be deemed as prejudicial to any religious group that does not endorse the use of birth control. The author is in no way affiliated with any political organization and has not endorsed any candidate for the Office of President. The author does acknowledge owning the patents for several toilet meter type devices and slot machines as proposed for usage in the plan.  

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