Hamptons Police Blotter: Dogs, Fires, Alligators?

We’re not sure if it’s possible to rack up as many charges as Shelter Island resident Old Man McGumbus did this week, but then again, Old Man McGumbus is one impressive guy. And if you think naming your dog a silly name like “Fire” is a good idea, think again. Here’s the news.


A man in Sagaponack was screaming at the top of his lungs while walking down the street the word, “FIRE! FIRE!”

It scared a few people, but after police responded, they learned that the man was simply searching for his lost dog, whose name happens to be Fire.

Routine Stop

A routine stop in Southampton lead to the arrest of a man who was in possession of brass knuckles, marijuana, hash, a scale and packaging material. The guy tried the old Jedi mind trick when officers discovered the drugs by waving his hand across the officer’s face and stating, “These aren’t the drugs you’re looking for.” It didn’t work.

Bad Doc

A medical assistant in Hampton Bays was arrested after she was caught writing fake prescriptions and having them filled by pharmacies.

Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 103-year-old Shelter Island President of The Shelter Island Red Beard Society, and former World War II Bazooka Man, was charged with the following offenses last week: Public intoxication in the third degree, unlawful use of a cucumber, possession of a controlled substance, reckless driving, driving without insurance, operating a military vehicle on public property, public urination, failing to stop at the scene of an accident, resisting arrest in the third degree, sexual harassment, battery against a public official, unlawful possession of a live alligator, petit larceny, grand theft auto, shoplifting, trespassing, possession of an unregistered firearm, possession of an unregistered bazooka, two counts of aggravated harassment against a female escort, prostitution solicitation, one count of illegally running a gambling operation, inciting a riot, promoting gambling in the second degree, promoting prostitution in the third degree, illegal possession of the pharmaceutical drug Viagra and unlawful use of a banana.

It’s kind of a long story.

Having Too Much Fun

A boater in Peconic was seen driving through the bay nude surrounded by four nude women who all appeared to be drinking beer while the song “Born in the USA” was blasting through the boat’s sound system.

Hamptons Hunting

The Town of East Hampton has been considering using bow hunting as a method of controlling the deer population and just yesterday, they got a letter from PETA asking them not to do that. PETA suggested to the Town that they use other methods such as scare tactics to control deer populations, which included using loud radios and water sprinklers. I’m almost always in favor of PETA and their recommendations for animals. But the deer population is out of control and bow hunting helps control them. Water sprinklers? Is this a joke? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but people bow hunt. It’s a nice activity and when deer are shot and tracked, I’d say 90% of the time the hunter is able to track it down. To me, fishing and deer hunting are in the same category.


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