Hamptons Police Blotter: Shelter Island World Record For Arrests Falls Short

From a shock in Southampton to what some are calling a new world record for arrests, it was another busy week at the desk of the Hamptons Police Blotter. Be careful out there.


A man, completely intoxicated from partying all night in the Hamptons, walked onto a property and fell asleep on the lawn. The residents of the home were charmed by the whole ordeal, after the landscaper of the home reported to the owner that a new lawn ornament appeared to have come out of nowhere. The man apologized for sleeping on the lawn, and invited the owners of the home over for breakfast at his rental in Noyac.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 107 years old, former World War II Battalion Commander and President of the Shelter Island Authority On Authority, was arrested last week after he attempted to break the Guinness World Record for citizens’ arrests. McGumbus became drunk with power after purchasing over 1,000 plasticuffs from the Internet. At first he began arresting people legitimately, such as arresting a guy who stole a woman’s purse. But then the exercise simply turned into McGumbus putting people that he did not like in handcuffs. He started with Suzie McBisquick, 86 years old and McGumbus’s former girlfriend, for “resisting arrest.” He then began arresting people for “Driving German-made cars.” By the end of his arresting spree, 275 people were seen sitting down on Main Street Shelter Island, as McGumbus continued his arrests. It didn’t take long before the police took notice and then ultimately arrested McGumbus, who immediately tried to prove that everything was fine by flashing his Shelter Island Authority On Authority badge.



A woman in East Hampton reported that somebody stole her heart last week.



A man in East Hampton reported that a woman is stalking him and that he can’t handle it anymore.



A crank caller who continuously places orders for Chinese food menu items from a pizza shop on the North Fork was reported last week. The owner, who happens to be Chinese-American, loses his mind over the telephone when the crank caller orders the Chinese food. But it appears to have all worked out. The recordings of the telephone calls are published online and can be purchased on iTunes for 99 cents. And yes, it is really funny. I mean like really funny.



A 73-year-old man in East Hampton accidentally injured his back and required medical attention after he attempted to impress his 23-year-old girlfriend by doing a front flip into the massive swimming pool at his mansion. The man ended up doing a hard belly flop however, and his girlfriend called an ambulance. Sounds like one guy in the Hamptons is with somebody that truly loves him for him. While at the hospital the millionaire immediately requested that his true love be by his side while the morphine started to kick in.



A woman called the cops in Southampton after she saw somebody suspiciously going in and out of mailboxes. Yes, it was the mailman.


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