Hamptons Police Blotter: Free Beer, Prostitution Ring, Dead Whales

There are going to be some unhappy men on Shelter Island this week after the largest prostitution ring in the history of Long Island rounded up the women and sent them to the slammer.

Whale Of A Tale

A large whale was discovered in Hampton Bays. The whale had washed ashore on the beach and was over 50 feet in length. Experts speculated that the whale died after running into a large ship. The whale was buried on the beach, where one day in the future, a dog will dig up one of the most impressive dog bones in the history of the world.

Shelter Island

The largest prostitution ring in Shelter Island’s history was broken up last week by private investigator Woody Herman, known as the Sherlock Holmes of the Hamptons. The investigation lead to the arrest of its leader, Old Man McGumbus, 109 years old, former World War II fighter pilot and founder of the Shelter Island Village and Town Improvement Association. Old Man McGumbus, who has been running the ring for the last 43 years, was using the Shelter Island Village and Town Improvement Association as a front to funnel in prostitutes from around the world, primarily from Japan and Germany. The ring has even lead to many marriages on Shelter Island, which explains the large half-German population there. Herman estimates that the ring has netted Old Man McGumbus $86 million. Old Man McGumbus was quick to point out that the Shelter Island Village and Town Improvement Association has been able to raise over $400 million for Shelter Island, and has paid for the conservation of thousands of acres and has renovated nearly every single building on Shelter Island except for the Shelter Island Department of Motor Vehicles. Herman speculates that the main reason that no money ever went to the SIDMV is because Old Man McGumbus’s ex-wife, Suzie McBisquick, is the Chief Management Officer of Forms there, and he apparently hates her.


A man in Southampton reported that his private collection of medieval swords was stolen
last week.

The North Fork

Several ducks holding up traffic along a major  North Fork road soon lead to a seven hour jam that spread all the way to Orient Point.


A man in Bridgehampton crashed his car into a tree after attempting to provoke a Ferrari into a race with his Honda. Yeah, well, that sounds about right.

Free Beer? 

A bar put a sign out that read “Free Beer, Topless Women and False Advertising.” Frequent calls were made to the bar saying that false advertising is illegal…and then they asked, “Are there really topless women?”


A man off the coast of Montauk needed to be towed in by Sea Tow after he ran out of gas. His 40 foot boat named “Cruisin’” may have to be renamed to “Embarassin’.”

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