Week of August 11-17, 2012

Riders this past week: 20,412

Rider miles this past week: 199,998

DOWN IN THE TUBE

Regis and Joy Philbin were spotted on the subway heading from Shinnecock to Southampton last Thursday. Wilbur and Hillary Ross were on the same train at the same time, though a day later.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS

It’s time for Hampton Subway to issue its annual advisory about what to do if a Hurricane strikes the Hamptons. The advice is stay out of the subway. If you are in the subway when a hurricane hits, exit immediately, using one of the umbrellas now in place in all the umbrella bins by the escalators. You may return them later. If you cannot get out of the subway when the siren sounds, just stand in a door frame and brace yourself on it with your arms and legs until the danger passes.

This advisory has been sent to you at the request of our business attorneys Sneakin, Katchum and Sue, who are also hereby informing you that by reading this you are also agreeing that you have now indemnified Hampton Subway and its executives from any damages that might occur to you or your person in the Hampton Subway while trying to deal with a hurricane situation, which you freely acknowledge at this time to be hereby considered an Act of God. Run for Your Lives!!

HONORING THE OLYMPICS

Hampton Subway is saluting the Olympic Games by hanging a flag of a participating nation on the ticket booth on each platform every morning. These flags will be removed and replaced with a flag of a not yet hung nation every day at 9 a.m. without fanfare, until either we run out of flags, run out of nations, or run out of the days that the Olympics are to take place, which we think is next Thursday.

STRANGE REQUEST

We often allow weddings to be held on the platforms of our subway system. There have been so many recently that we have not been able to keep up in telling you about them. They are between men and women, women and women, men and men and women and men or whatever. We celebrate them all. Anybody interested in getting married on our platforms is welcome to contact Hampton Subway in our offices in Hampton Bays. Speak to Gladys, the secretary there who personally has been married five times on the subway, a record we think, and therefore, knows of what she speaks.

NO CAMPAIGNING

We would like to remind everyone that there is absolutely no political campaigning on the subway system and that includes no singing songs about a particular candidate even if the song is one everybody knows except the words have been changed a little.

THE G TRAIN

Straphangers recently took an Internet poll and voted the G Train to be the most efficient, well kept and on time train line on the Hampton Subway System. There is no G Train and the management of Hampton Subway doesn’t think this joke, if this is supposed to be a joke, is very funny.

JELLO MOLD MONDAY

Every Monday during the month of August is Jello Mold Monday in the Hampton Subway’s Headquarters employee cafeteria. Our behind-the-scenes cooks and caterers here have found a way to carve watermelon slices into exact miniatures of subway cars, then float them in Jell-O. Congratulations, team. They come in lemon, lime, orange, grapefruit, peach and cherry flavors. The most popular of all, the watermelon flavored ones, they often run out of.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

My hat is off to the staff of Hampton Subway who have every day from 6 a.m. until midnight work their behinds off to keep our customers happy and content and not upset about anything. You are a great staff and I am proud of you all. (Editor’s Note: The subway is open until 1 a.m.)