In Case You Were Wondering Why Old Man McGumbus Hates Hipsters, I Asked Him

Every week I am forced to write about Old Man McGumbus, 102-years-old and former World War II anti-torture specialist, do something drastically horrible to a hipster. I just don’t get what his problem is, so I figured I would venture over this morning to Shelter Island and ask him at his home. He knows me pretty well at this point, since I’m the only reporter in the Hamptons with the steel to cover him. Do to his many political connections here locally, he’s able to keep himself out of the media.

But not in Dan’s Papers. Your welcome.

Anyway, I greeted Old Man McGumbus inside of his living room where he was practicing karate on top of a bear rug. We sat down together and drank Wild Turkey Bourbon while sitting at his custom African Oak table that is just absolutely gorgeous.”Old Man McGumbus, I have to know, why do you hate hippies so much? And you do know that today they are called hipsters right?”

“It’s the same damn thing David.”

“Okay so why do you hate them.”

“If I could sum it up in one sentence it is this, I think that they are destroying the very fabric of American society and what it means to be an American.”

“What are you saying here?”

“David, you’re a smart kid. You work hard at what you do and try to better yourself. I like you, I respect you, but you just don’t get it. Nearly every single man in America today under the age of 40 is gradually turning himself into a hippie. Look at Mark Zuckerberg, the guy wears a freaking t-shirt to work. It just ain’t right.”

“Yes, but he also is creating a lot of good in the world.”

“I don’t give a crap. It looks ridiculous. We’ve got grown men acting like they are children. They need to start acting like men. They need to start thinking that things matter, because they do. So many of them now are running around our country and pretending that nothing matters and blaming problems on everybody else. Who the hell cares? Just do your work, care about what you’re trying to do with yourself, and be in charge of yourself. But these hippies, they just, they just think it’s  cool to walk around dressed like a God damn teenager. Who the hell is ever going to take these people seriously.”

“But this is America McGumbus, people are allowed to be who they want to be.”

“But they aren’t being who they want to be David. They are fitting in. They are joining a group of people called hippies or hipsters or whatever the hell you want to call it. They aren’t individuals, they are followers, they aren’t leaders. America is about leadership. It’s up to US WHAT THE HELL GOES DOWN, that’s true for your personal life. But these grown child men, they think it’s not up to themselves what they do, they think it’s up so somebody else and they are just waiting around for that person to tell them what to do and where to go. I once saw a hippie sit in a coffee shop all day. ALL DAY. I observed him from my sniper position right over there. I sat there all day, fascinated. This is what he’s choosing to do with his time. Nothing. Is it America that’s the problem? Maybe it is. Maybe the profit motive isn’t there for them. These guys, in their minds, are afraid of starting something because they think somebody will stop them. It’s like they afraid the Gestapo is gonna stop them or that they will fail, so instead, they do nothing, which is guaranteed failing, not just for them but for the damn country.”

“Won’t somebody stop them if they try to open a business without the proper licenses or whatever?”


“Okay, okay calm down, put down the gun, Jesus Christ McGumbus.”

“Sorry, it just works me up”

“It’s alright, I’m used to it.”

“Look. My point is that it doesn’t matter as long as there is a thinking mind behind what you are doing. If you think and take pride in it, it becomes good, it becomes what it means to be an American. It becomes something that I was willing to defend and kill Nazi’s with a flamethrower. What matters is that it needs to matter to the individual, no matter what it is. But these damn hippies, oh Jesus…”

“McGumbus, you okay? MCGUMBUS?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s just my jaw, it was blown off and replaced with a steel one back in the battle at Ogasaki in 49. Punch me in the face, it needs to be re-aligned.”

“I’m not gonna punch you in the face.”


I punched McGumbus in the face with my fist.

“OWWWW. JESUS!!!” we both said.

My hand swelled up immediately from hitting his steel jaw. I now understood why he won so many fist fights. McGumbus held his jaw, then spit on the rug and started laughing.

“American made. Yea you got it back in place. That’s good boy. There ain’t no Chinese steel in this face. You’re hand alright?”

“It’s swollen, it could be broken I think.”

“Don’t be such a pussy. Have a drink.”




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