I’m a Fuzzy Sweater Girl

If you’re a guy, just turn to another page. This will not interest you at all.

Okay gals, this is it, sweater weather is here! Soft, comfortable, cozy warm sweaters, old favorites and new, time to come out of the sacheted drawers and enjoy.

First, check for fuzzy balls, those little pills of fuzzy fiber that roll up and look like beads on the sweater. Pick them off with your fingers if you can, because they make any sweater look worn and dated. I bought one of those sweater shavers advertised in magazines and it works very well. I put on the sweater and shaved my chest, and before you know it, the sweater looks new again.

Now, after you’ve gotten rid of the fuzzy balls, you’ll notice something else as you regard your sweatered self in the mirror. Like flocks of geese, breasts seem to think that they should head south for the winter. I recall when I was younger that Glamour magazine introduced us all to “The Pencil Test”—remember that? If you could put a pencil under your breast and if it fell to the ground, you were firm and high enough to go without a bra. Today, I couldn’t pass that test with a typewriter…and a sweater seems to announce the status of the fallen to the world.

So, just as October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, I think November should be New Bra Awareness month. We should be given a tax credit for buying new bras—good ones—with straps that have the same tensile strength as the cables on the Brooklyn Bridge. The tax credit should fit under the criteria of rebuilding America’s infrastructure. I used to call these bras my Rodeo Round-Up bras, you put them on whenever it was time to head ’em up and move ’em out…

I have a small booby relative who always envied big boobies, but now that we are adults and she has witnessed the down slide, I mean downside, of big boobies, she—who can still pass the Pencil Test in her 40s—is now very happy with her body, and I envy her. She’ll never have to have her breasts flattened between two planes of plexiglass to find a lump. She can just look down and spot a lump if it’s there.

If you have pulls on your sweater, do not cut them off, the knit will unravel and create a hole that will just grow and grow, as a natural blonde friend of mine discovered one time. You have to pull the loop through to the inside of the sweater with a bobby pin or small crochet hook, and leave it alone. Also, if you wash your sweaters inside out, they are less likely to gather lint and fuzzy balls.

Small-booby girls love sweaters because they think it makes them look bigger. Big-booby girls like them because there’s no blouse buttons to pull or pop open. Sweaters are comfortable and pretty and bring happiness to boobies everywhere, and I say, God bless ’em!