Dan Rattiner's Stories

Predictions 2013: Las Vegas, Windmills, Deer, Sag Harbor

A sudden surge in farming causes the owners of McMansions to band together to save their homes from the bulldozers.

Sarah Palin sells her home in Hampton Bays to Bill and Hillary Clinton. Palin was originally asking $7.1 million, but it went for $4.3 million and she was glad to have it.

No storms or strange weather occur anywhere along the East Coast during 2013. This hasn’t happened since the beginning of weather record keeping in 1877, but there is some belief it might have happened in 1874. (There’s a bunch of old newspaper clippings that they have read.)

Animal rights enthusiasts reveal that with proper and patient teaching, deer can be trained to use crosswalks.

Sag Harbor sign makers erroneously put up signs reading, Pedestrians Must Stop for Cars in Crosswalks, causing multiple traffic accidents.

North Korea will fire a guided missile armed with a nuclear weapon at Los Angeles, but it will malfunction in mid-air, turn around and land and explode in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang. When the smoke clears, a new government will reach out to make friends with everybody.

America will either drive over the fiscal cliff or not drive over the fiscal cliff (this is written December 21) but the result will be, to everyone’s surprise, that the recession ends, jobless rates drop to 4.5% and everyone is rolling in dough.

A new dance craze sweeps the nation. It’s called “On Point” and involves standing absolutely still as a statue while pointing at your partner with your finger. Barking is not permitted.

Clouds gather more frequently in the skies over America and meteorologists say they are concerned. The clouds are found to be laden with photos, tweets, emails, games, videos, Skypes, movies and social network messages.

Virgin America airline merges with Ben and Jerry’s. The new firm is to be called the Virgin’s Airplane and Ice Cream Company.

New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez, the poster boy of the Duck and Cover School of dealing with approaching linemen, abandons his philosophy and leads the Jets into the playoffs and the Jets’ first Super Bowl since Joe Namath.

Mitt Romney, distraught with his defeat, returns to Bain Capital, but his magic touch is gone and he goes bankrupt.

Russia’s Vladimir Putin, fresh from an exhilarating day of skydiving and white-water rafting, challenges Vladimir Klitchko for the Heavyweight Championship and gets knocked out in the first round.

In a burst of unexplained energy, Myanmar changes its name back to Burma, Taiwan changes its name back to Formosa, Beijing changes its name back to Peking, Zimbabwe changes its name back to Rhodesia, and Pluto is readmitted into the solar system.

The United Nations continues to be unable to untangle the Mideast crisis and so instead holds two hot dog eating contests, one Kosher, one not, expecting everyone to attend both, but they don’t.

Iran unveils the largest nuclear power plant in the world, built underground in tunnels beneath every square mile of land in the entire country, and is thus able to provide the entire world with safe nuclear energy (safe because in any underground nuclear accident radiation gets reabsorbed into the earth.) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad then invites all nations to hook up electric cables to it, and many do.

An anonymous author, aware of the success of the book The 4-Hour Work Week but concerned that America is falling behind other nations, writes a book called The 100-Hour Work Week. It sells poorly in America, but is translated into 17 languages and is a big hit abroad.

New York’s Freedom Tower is completed and at the grand opening celebration is discovered to stand only 1,775 feet tall. Reporters scurry to find out what happened in 1775.

Over 100 cruise ships, seized by striking crew members determined to get higher wages, encircle the Caribbean and blockade all the islands while their onboard bands play Glenn Miller music really loud.

With the world now all nuclear powered, the pirates of Somalia, unable to find any oil tankers to seize as ransom, give themselves up to the authorities.

NASA, responding to popular demand and cries of “encore,” brings all the space shuttles back down to Cape Canaveral for a onetime mass reunion and, in the end, simultaneous launch to carry massive amounts of supplies and building materials to the International Space Station. This results, after more than a decade of piecemeal work, in the completion of the station in 30 days. President Obama and Prime Minister Putin (recovered from his fight) are brought up to the station in November and, in a great ceremony broadcasted around the world by video satellite, present the station to the UN.

Rescue workers, searching for survivors from a small plane that went down in the Nevada desert, stumble upon what appears to be a stage set of the moon landing, with the Moon Rover, the stiff American flag and lots of abandoned movie making equipment everywhere.

Las Vegas, jealous of the success of Dubai and its “tallest building in the world,” builds a replica of that building, but only a quarter the size.

The 2016 presidential campaign kicks off in June of 2013, with Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York and Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey, arm in arm, embarking on a series of whistle-stop national speaking debates which many historians say reminds them of the LincolnDouglas debates in 1858.

In doing our part for the environment, all the towns in the Hamptons get all 11 of our windmills working again, their blades turning in the breeze and their converters inside creating enough electricity to power everything in the community by wind power. Then, when asked by the UN to hook up to Iran’s underground surprise, the Hamptons declares itself an independent country.

Justin Bieber, in Southampton, holds a press conference at which he says he prefers being a woman and will, before the year ends, undergo a sex change.

The new owners of Southampton College, after much discussion to determine a new direction for the curriculum there, announce that the new educational focus on campus, replacing the failed environmental curriculum, will now be about Men’s Affairs (though women may attend). New courses will be offered in gas fracking, NASCAR stock car racing, oil refining, beer production, training hunting dogs and instruction in becoming World Wrestling Entertainment performers. Also, a practice “coal mine” is to be dug on the property in order to teach people safety regulations for coal miners.

The Ira Rennerts of Sagaponack, who live in the largest residential home in the country, apply to build a large addition to make their home half again larger. They say that another home in Florida is now under construction and would be larger than theirs unless something is done.

Montauk residents who live near the Montauk Lighthouse file a lawsuit against the Coast Guard saying that the flashing light in the tower hurts their eyes, gives them headaches, and makes them fidgety and in need of professional counseling. As a result, the Montauk Lighthouse is moved onto a pile of rocks (created for the occasion) one mile out to sea. The residents then say that helps but it is still not enough, so the suit continues on.


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