Manifesto from the King of Deer in the Hamptons

We the Odocoileus Virginianus seek to cause no harm to the people of the East End. However, there are demands that must be met and acknowledgements that must made in order to continue the peace as we know it today. We carry hoof and antler and may rise up and use the weapons provided us.

Our first demand is that an acknowledgement be made by all humans that we were here first and are the rightful owners of the land. In our 3 million years of existence on earth, which predates any and all forms of people, we have endured and lived by the rules of the heavenly creator. You can put your name on the title of your little slice of Hamptons land but it belongs to God’s creatures—and that includes us. Go ahead and install your fences and try to keep us out. We will persevere.

Our second demand is that you humans stop hurting each other. In this way we are superior because you never saw a deer go out late at night and use a gun or a knife to take another deer’s life.

Next, you must cease all talk about deer overcrowding. You are the ones overcrowding the East End with your fancy cars lined up bumper-to-bumper in the summertime. How about you having to fight to get a share of the sidewalk or waiting in line to get a drink of water or use the bathroom. The over-population problem is with you.

There was a time that farmers in the area lived off the land. Now all we see is more land being compromised in order to put up more of your houses or buildings. Shame on you. When will you stop the development—when the last tree is felled and there is nothing left but concrete? This is where our ancestors lived. We do not leave the East End for somewhere else. This place is hallowed and sacred to us. When all the trees have been cut down, when all the animals have been hunted, when all the waters are polluted, when all the air is unsafe to breathe, only then will you discover you cannot eat money.

We insist that you stop polluting the lands and waterways. Unlike you humans, we are 100% recyclers.

We recently lost one of our own to a drunk driver doing 55 in a 30 mph zone. This is unacceptable.

Deer and mankind can live together, but it has to be a two-way street. We are not selfish. We are willing to give back like we did for so many years with our Native American friends. They knew how to be part of the circle of life and how to balance their needs with ours. But instead of learning from them, you took most of their land too.

The next time you talk about deer management, maybe you should think about how you can imitate us instead of trying to eliminate us. Did you ever consider that you could plant two gardens and only fence in one?

Lastly, in another place and another universe, it might be the deer that have dominion over the humans. EVER HEARD OF REVENGE?


Note: This Manifesto was given to me by a deer whisperer on the East End. I would find it hard to believe except for the fact that I routinely have in-depth discussions with my dogs.

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