Hamptons Police Blotter: No, It Wasn’t Machete Wielding The Machete in the Hamptons

Some pretty crazy stuff went down last week. A man with a machete, a weather warning and then of course there is McGumbus.

Threat Level Goes Up

Last week the threat level for brush fires officially rose when the National Weather Service warned that very dry air and dry vegetation could trigger a fire. The National Weather Service called it an “enhanced threat for the spread of wildfires.” Not long after the warning, a brush fire broke out in East Hampton, it was put out by the fire department. Smokey the Bear stated that if he finds that anybody flicked a cigarette into the forest out here, they will deal directly with him.



A Southampton man reported to police that he believed his brake lines and rear fuel pump wires were cut by a couple of men with whom he got into an argument earlier. When the alleged victim told officers that he’d drive them to where he thought the culprits were,
they declined.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus—104 years old, current President of the Shelter Island Board Lawn Authority and former World War II Army Wide Receiver—was arrested last week for disturbing the peace. Police discovered McGumbus on Main Street asleep in the middle of the crosswalk. They found him to be in possession of 36 Viagra pills (for which he has claimed to have a lifetime prescription) and 11 bananas. McGumbus had lipstick all over his face and was dressed in full military uniform. Police suspected foul play when they woke McGumbus and he asked them for another dance.



A man in East Hampton with a history of DWI stole a car last week and took it for a joyride while intoxicated. The man, who is 24, was arrested at a gas station and was brought to jail. His bail was set at more than $100,000, which he had not paid at press time.



A man from Riverside was arrested by police after he was seen smashing and hacking up cars with a machete. Robert De Niro, Jessica Alba, Steven Seagal, Michelle Rodriguez and Cheech Martin have confirmed that the man arrested was NOT Danny Trejo.



A Hampton Bays man, who police say leaped from a stolen car while the vehicle was still in motion, evaded a police helicopter, escaped from a police dog and sent police officers from multiple agencies on a foot chase. Incredibly, it wasn’t a dramatic arrest at the end of the pursuit. The man was arrested after police saw him simply walking around a few days later.



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