Top Five Places to Find Jimmy Hoffa in the Hamptons

On Wednesday, June 19, NBC News reported that the FBI concluded its latest search for the remains of missing Teamster boss Jimmy Hoffa. The law enforcement organization got a tip that Hoffa was buried alive beneath a one-acre field in suburban Detroit, but the three-day dig turned up nothing. NBC says the FBI has searched dozens of locations for Hoffa since he vanished in 1975, but it seems they are no closer to finding him.

Perhaps they should expand the search to the Hamptons. DansPapers.com has endeavored to help the investigation with our top five spots to find Jimmy Hoffa in the Hamptons.

Under Camp Hero in Montauk
This defunct military base is the subject of an endless stream of conspiracy theories. Why not add Hoffa to the mix? We hear there’s a massive underground complex sitting just beneath the surface at Camp Hero, so it’s very possible the missing Teamster is down there, possibly even alive and enjoying Dharma Initiative-style food supplies, watching old movies on Betamax and generally enjoying the subterranean bomb shelter lifestyle. If the apocalypse comes, wouldn’t it be ironic if Hoffa outlived us all? Well, either this or he was transported back or forward 100 years using one of the Montauk Project’s time machines.

Water Mill Dunes
We recently learned that the dunes in Water Mill are filled with old cars and car parts, placed in a crude effort to bolster the natural sand buffer. Is it not possible that Hoffa might be keeping our mansions safe as well? Maybe he’s still sitting comfortably in his car and keeping an eternal vigil against the ever-present threat of beach erosion.

Deer Food
There are a lot of deer in the Hamptons and they’re still a problem. What are these pesky creatures eating? It’s an ugly thought, but… possibly?

Beneath the Piping Plover Nesting Area
No one can get near piping plovers once these birds start nesting. They close highways, stop fireworks and block huge portions of some of the most desirable beaches in the world. Can you think of a better place to make someone disappear?

At Societe du Vin in Bridgehampton
This elite wine club costs $50,000 to join and $8,000 per year in dues. Maybe Hoffa’s buried under the club, maybe he’s inside having a merlot. Either way, no one’s getting in to find out.