Hamptons Police Blotter: More Guns Then McGumbus Knows What To Do With

When you read how many guns Old Man McGumbus has collected for himself over the course of his military career, you’ll either be impressed or terrified. Only in the Hamptons.

Stolen Silverware 

A woman in Southampton reported that her silverware was stolen while she was at the beach having a family picnic. When asked how much the silverware was worth, she said that it was worth roughly $15,000. The silverware was made, in fact, of solid silver and was also encrusted with diamonds in the handles. Yup…that’s normal.


Lost and Found

A family at Cooper’s Beach was in sheer panic on Sunday when they lost track of their 13-year-old daughter. The father reported to the lifeguards that she had gone missing and that the last time he saw her was when she walked down the beach heading east. Concerned she might have been kidnapped or might be struggling while swimming, the father raced down the beach on foot as the rest of the family went looking for her. She was found lying on a towel, next to a group of boys she had just met. Somebody is being grounded for the rest of her life.



Police in Hampton Bays responded to a bar fight between two men who were fighting over a woman. One man became angry when the other man insulted the woman he was with by calling her a lying [email protected]#$!. The man who was sitting with the woman began to defend her. When the scuffle was broken up, it was revealed that the man who had called the woman a liar was, in fact, her husband.


Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 102-year-old Grand Chairman of the Shelter Island Association of United Founders, and former World War II machine gunner, was arrested last week for the illegal possession and use of the following weapons: a German Flammenwerfer 35 flame thrower, a 42M Vecsey grenade, 7 Polish Bechowiec-1 machine guns,  9 British Lewis sub-machine guns, 10 bazookas, 3 American M1 carbine rifles, and four Soviet Fedorov Avtomat machine guns. After he was arrested, it was determined that he was allowed to own such an arsenal after he proved they were all his. “Basically, they were either given to me from friends whose asses I rescued or from guys I killed. Finders keepers,” McGumbus said.


No License

A woman in Westhampton is facing charges of possession of marijuana, in addition to a charge of growing cannabis without a license. The arrest has prompted some serious questions: since when can you get a license to grow cannabis in the Hamptons?

Read more Hamptons Police Blotter and get exclusive Old Man McGumbus updates at DansPapers.com.

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