The Hamptons Subway: Week of July 28–August 4, 2013

Riders this past week: 14,892

Rider miles this past week: 118,721



Mercedes Ruehl and Madonna were seen traveling from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor last Thursday at 4 p.m. Chevy Chase, who has a house upstate, was seen out here on Friday between Westhampton and Quiogue, trying out the subway, which he says he had never used before. John Keeshan, the Montauk realtor, was seen on the subway going from the Montauk Lighthouse stop (behind the lighthouse) to, he said, Hither Hills.



The birthday party for Bob Ack, our head of security who turns 48 next Monday will not take place in the company cafeteria as planned at lunch that day. Ackenwalker is currently in jail pending a court hearing after allegedly making unintended intimate contact with a woman while doing one of his stop and frisks.


We are very disappointed in the results of our “name the subway cars” competition. We had asked readers to submit names by putting their suggestions on a piece of paper and putting the paper in our suggestion boxes, on all subway platforms. We don’t think “The Blob” or “The Creature from the Black Lagoon” are nice suggestions. The same is true for “Underground Chain Saw Massacre” or “Warthog.” Where do kids think these things up? And why?



Hampton Subway has long had a “things allowed” list to complement the “things not allowed on the subway list.” But now we have to bring the “things allowed” list to an end. A woman whose name we cannot mention because this is now a court action, has sued Hamptons Subway, saying that since beach balls are on the things allowed list, and her fully inflatable giant beach ball from the Sports Store would not fit through the subway doors, she’s entitled to damage from pain and suffering because she had to deflate the ball and when she inflated it later it leaked, that she was late for the beach and that her young daughter was traumatized for not having her big beach ball in inflated condition there.

The Things Allowed on the Subway list is quite long, runs to 800 pages, was added upon and added upon, gleefully by many people who got through the review board with funny entries, has been the subject of articles in local magazines, was optioned for a movie script and is now just a memory. All because of a nasty woman who only thinks of herself and her pocketbook. Too bad.



Many thanks to the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra, who performed last Thursday at noon on the platform at the Southampton subway stop for passers through and about 100 spectators who sat on folding chairs. This was a big success, and our commissioner and his wife were in attendance and announced that the concerts will continue. This one was Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky’s famous 1812 Overture, with the live cannon fire during the grand finale, which did put cracks in some of the walls, but we think the official byword should be “anything for art,” and everyone who was there agrees. Even the pyramids in Egypt eventually crumble.



I want to thank the director and general manager of the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra for their wonderful afternoon of classical selections last Thursday. I attended the contest with Suffolk County Legislator Jay Schneiderman, whose generous contributions made this concert possible.

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