Hamptons Police Blotter: Senator Twerk, McGumbus Incinerates (Cannabis?) Garden

McGumbus torches roses when the threat of cannabis is afoot.
McGumbus torches roses if there's any threat of cannabis, Graphic: Oliver Peterson

Bumper Crop
Two men were arrested in Water Mill for possessing 10 pounds of freshly harvested marijuana. The two upisland men were pulled over in their minivan for driving erratically. Police smelled something funny, and a search of the van turned up the 10 pounds of fresh-picked chronic—a quantity that would be pretty hard to hide. What’s not yet clear is if the two were transporting their agricultural treasure FROM the Hamptons or TO the Hamptons. In other words, was the marijuana grown somewhere out here or somewhere upisland? A Blotter prediction: Look for drug-sniffing dogs to take up residence on Shelter Island.

McGumbus Fires Up
Dottie Humus, 87, and Shelter Island’s champion horticulturalist, awoke late Saturday night to find her award-winning two-acre flower garden ablaze. Clearly visible through the flames was the goggled Old Man McGumbus, 103, veteran of WWII’s famous flame-thrower battalion, shooting burning gas from an improvised incendiary device into Humus’s prize rose bushes. Firefighters were called in to put out the blaze. It turns out that McGumbus had become convinced that Humus was growing cannabis—he claims that he saw hippies at her house just last Tuesday, although he admits it could have been in 1972—and had incinerated her garden as a precaution.

Drug Dealers Aren’t Very Nice
If there were a better business bureau for illegal narcotics, maybe things like this wouldn’t happen. A guy shows $1,000 to a drug dealer, drug dealer snatches the money and drives away without supplying the drugs. This happened on County Road 39. The victim went ahead and called the cops, and the cops soon caught up with the perpetrator, whom they charged with petit larceny and with endangering the welfare of a child (it seems he had a minor in the car with him during the whole escapade). Significantly, police did not charge the man with dealing drugs, as he apparently didn’t even have any drugs to sell. The victim presumably got his $1,000 back, and will probably take his business elsewhere in the future.

We Can Twerk If We Want To
A senator from Texas and a representative from Utah were stopped for questioning on Main Street in Sag Harbor when police received complaints that the two were performing “lewd and suggestive” dance moves on the sidewalk in front of a popular nightspot. Asked to account for himself, the glassy-eyed senator slurred, “If Miley can twerk up against Robin Thicke, then I
can twerk up against the gentleman from Utah.”

Read more Hamptons Police Blotter here

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