In Response to a Hamptons Subway Santa Applicant

APPLICANT

Dear Kelly,

I’m writing in response to the Santa Claus employment opportunity on the Hamptons Subway (November 8, 2013 issue).

It’s my opinion that I would make a great Santa Claus for several reasons:

1. I look like Santa Claus (mature, somewhat hefty, white beard and white hair). In a straw hat some people mistake me for Dan.
2. I like children and adults that act like children.
3. My personality is jovial and outgoing.
4. There have been other occasions when I was a Santa Claus and my evaluations were very good.
5. I can speak intelligently for 30 minutes on the subject of elves, the North Pole and reindeer.

My one negative is that I need remedial training. My “HO HO HO” sounds more like the Green Giant.

I do however have some questions:

1. Is there a uniform allowance?
2. Do the working hours include traveling to and from assigned stations?
3. Can I request a desired station?
4. Is it a union job?
5. Is the Santa Claus suit made in China?
6. As a Santa Claus am I eligible for the lottery drawing for the trip to Nome and is that considered paid vacation time?
7. Any incentive or bonus for collecting more money than the other Santas?
8. Can I have time off on Christmas Eve?
9. Does the benefit package include health care, life insurance, a contributing IRA and tuition aid?

Thanks very much for your consideration and do I need to interview with Commissioner Aspinall if you can find him?

Bob Ettl
Hampton Bays

Hi Bob,

Thank you for your response. I have forwarded your application to Commissioner Aspinall. We’ll post it online as well, as he tends to check the website more than his personal email. If you don’t hear from him in a few days, please reach out to him at OCaptainMyCaptain@hamptonsubway.com.

Commissioner has left me with very specific instructions for screening applicants. Please find the answers to your questions below, as per our “Official North Pole Hamptons Santa Guide.”

Is there a uniform allowance? You may use the money collected to pay for your Santa suit, but don’t advertise this to straphangers. If someone becomes suspicious, give him or her a leftover turkey from our turkey giveaway to make them happy.

Do the working hours include traveling to and from assigned stations? Yes, but you must always stay in character. We’d prefer it if our Santas would perform some sort of impromptu dance when actually riding the subway.

Can I request a desired station? Yes.

Is it a union job? Yes.

Is the Santa Claus suit made in China? No. It’s made in our Hampton Bays headquarters. Instead of buttons, the suit has subway tokens sewn on. Clever, no?

As a Santa Claus am I eligible for the lottery drawing for the trip to Nome and is that considered paid vacation time? As Santa, you should already have access to Nome. We’d like to give the trip away to someone who doesn’t live close to the Arctic Circle. Or to an Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race hopeful.

Any incentive or bonus for collecting more money than the other Santas? You may rent “The Internationale” subway car for your holiday party. Some restrictions apply. Offer not applicable during normal business hours—6 a.m. to midnight

Can I have time off on Christmas Eve? Of course. We expect all of our Santas to be hard at work at their “second job.”

Does the benefit package include health care, life insurance, a contributing IRA and tuition aid? As the saying goes…. Nope.

Thank you again for your interest in the Hamptons Subway Santa Program. We’ll forward you a link when your inquiry is posted at DansPapers.com.

Warmest regards,

Kelly
Assistant to the Assistant of the Hamptons Subway Santa Program Prescreening Committee and A Cappella Group