Cheating at the Artists and Writers Charity Softball Game

Oil Baseball cheater - The key to Artist victory!
The key to Artist victory! Photo: Chris Hill, Thomas Hargis and Tetra Images/iStock/Model Released/Thinkstock

The New York Yankees are cheaters. This is a fact and it is not disputed. During an April 23 game between the Yankees and The Boston Red Sox, New York pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected for using pine tar and subsequently suspended for 10 games. In case you don’t know, Rule 8.02(b) states, “The pitcher shall not have on his person or in his possession, any foreign substance”.

Pitchers are banned from using substances because they could aid their pitching performance. And it is a good rule that eliminates the potential of spitballs, snot-balls, etc., that may indeed affect the rotation of the baseball.

When Red Sox manager John Farrell told the umpire that Pineda had a swatch of pine tar on his neck, the offending pitcher was immediately tossed from the game. It is common knowledge that many big league pitchers use pine tar, but the majority of them hide it well enough not to get caught.

Being a fan of all sports, including our local Annual Artists and Writers Charity Softball Game, held for the past 65 years in East Hampton, got me thinking that the only possible way the Artists could have beaten the Writers in 2013 is by using pine tar. For crying out loud, the Writers had Jim Leyritz on their team, so the Artists must have been cheating. I have been interviewing various writer friends of mine and they all seem to have a clear recollection of what went down in 2013, when the Artists won 8-6.

They seem to remember the Artists’ pitcher frequently applying ChapStick to his lips during that game—and he wiped his lips with his pitching hand. The result? Well, you do the math.

This could morph into a scandal of epic proportions. If the Artists were indeed cheating, history will need to be rewritten.

Given what I feel is significant evidence, the Artists should be stripped of their 2013 victory and the title should be given to the Writers. It will also be necessary for Dan’s Papers to rewrite and issue new copies of the following week’s paper, which wrongly reflects the Artists’ win.

This is the only logical explanation of how the Artists could have ever beaten the Writers. There is simply no other explanation. If the New York Yankees are capable of cheating, so are the Artists.

However, I am not in favor of suspending the Artists for the next 10 games. We’d have to rename the event — and “The Landscapers and Writers Charity Softball Game” just doesn’t have the same ring to it…

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