Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 27–July 3, 2014

Week of June 27–July 3, 2014
Riders this past week: 15,811
Rider miles this past week: 172,421

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Justin Bieber was seen riding with Leonardo DiCaprio heading from Hampton Bays to Southampton on Thursday night. Playwright Edward Albee was seen with Taylor Swift heading for Amagansett from Montauk on Friday. Beyoncé and Madonna were sitting together chatting as their subway train left Bridgehampton for Sag Harbor.

COOPERS BEACH SPUR
The subway spur from Southampton Main Street to Coopers Beach in that town is suffering from an excessive amount of sand on the tracks. Please wash your feet at the beach before boarding for the trip into town.

MERGER
Discussions are underway to merge Hamptons Subway with the Shelter Island Bridge and Tunnel Authority. But the $22 billion deal might not pass muster with the Metropolitan Transit Authority, which oversees such mergers. Scuttlebutt is that it might be necessary for Shelter Island Bridge and Tunnel to divest itself of the bridge part of their operation so as not to run afoul of those fearing a monopoly.

SUGGESTION BOX
The most frequent suggestion for the subway system by riders putting their suggestions in the suggestion box on the Southampton platform is to move the suggestion box so people don’t go bumping into it as they round the corner to head off to the trains. The box juts out from the wall and many people, not seeing it, hit it with their shoulder or their head, depending upon their height. We are taking this suggestion seriously and will discuss it at our next board meeting.

FOUND IN A STORAGE ROOM
There are many storage rooms along the dark tunnels between stations where various things get put. Last week, a workman found 6 cardboard boxes filled with Gratz’ Suntan Lotion, which billed itself as “the suntan lotion of choice for those who use the Hamptons Subway.” This was an unsuccessful promotion undertaken by our first marketing director in 1998, Alan Beerman. Very few sold. There’s very little problem with the sun on Hamptons Subway.

ESCALATOR RACES
The new fad among teenagers in Amagansett is “escalator racing” to see who can get up the down escalator and back down the up escalator the fastest. Management takes a dim view of this activity, considering the fact that somebody could easily get injured, not just one of the teenagers but one of the straphangers who might be coming up or down during one of these races. On the other hand, it is good healthy exercise and it teaches training and competition and dealing with defeat as well as dealing with victory, which psychologists say is very underrated and actually a bigger problem than most people imagine.

HAMPTON METRO?
Several folks have suggested that the subway system change its name to Hampton Metro or the Hampton Tube. Both have their positive points and we are considering this carefully. Most recently it was suggested we change the name to the Hampton Underground Transport System or HUTS. But this one too seems to lack a certain something.

THE THIRD RAIL
A new book of fiction will hit Amazon and bookstores next week entitled The Third Rail, by Lawrence O’Brian, the well-known fiction writer. We’re told it involves the problems that come up when you tie up the heroine to the third rail and then let the good guys try to get her free without electrocuting themselves. Sounds like a winner to us. A good summer read.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We’ve been experiencing problems with bats nesting under the ceiling in the tunnel between Noyac and North Sea. Hang onto your hats.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY!