The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 6–12, 2014

Week of June 6–12, 2014
Riders this past week: 14,812
Rider miles this past week: 135,621

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jason Kidd, the coach of the Brooklyn Nets, was seen on the subway between Southampton and Water Mill, bouncing a basketball and shaking hands with well-wishers Wednesday. A subway car filled with Kardashians was seen heading from Hampton Bays to Southampton Thursday afternoon. Michele Cannon, Director of the Bridgehampton Child Care and Community Center, was seen on the Sag Harbor platform looking at her watch.

SHOT CAR
Metro North, the last railroad line in America to have bar cars on its trains, discontinued the service last week. Hamptons Subway has bought all 12 of their bar cars. Six subway trains ply the rails on our service at any given time and all six will now have bar cars. The other six will be kept aside for backup if and when any of the first six are out of service. In addition, because the average subway trip is only 20 minutes, it was initially decided to just offer shots of scotch or bourbon that patrons can down in one gulp. We advertised them as “Shot Cars.” But then anti-gun groups demonstrated in front of our Hampton Bays headquarters with signs declaring the word “shot” inappropriate for any public gathering with large numbers of people, so we decided to re-name the Shot Cars “Quickie Cars.” It’s been a wildly successful service.

CELEBRITY SERVICE
Hamptons Subway will offer a new service for celebrities beginning July 4th weekend. All celebrities traveling with entourages can ride the subway with as many as 15 entourage members paying half fare. A second service, for celebrities wishing to avoid paying even half fare for entourages, will be the Hamptons Subway In-House Entourage. By prearrangement, eight HSIHE members will meet celebrities on the platform side of each turnstile to take over entourage duties. The regular entourage waits at the station for the celebrity to return, at which time they are handed back over.

COORS BEER
Our new marketing director Jason Pitts has sold an advertising campaign to Coors Beer which everyone will soon be talking about. At one in the morning every night during the month of July, just after the service shuts down for the night but before maintenance goes out to clean the tracks, a special subway train dressed up as a diesel locomotive will take a high-speed round trip through the Hamptons Subway system without stopping. This train, traveling at 100 miles an hour, is to be painted silver, have sparks, ice and smoke pouring off it, and feature the word COORS on its side. Patrons are welcome to linger on the platforms to watch the train roar by, but please do not attempt to board it. It’s a marketing stunt.

ANNUAL STOCKHOLDERS MEETING
The annual stockholders meeting for Hamptons Subway was held in an abandoned auditorium in Detroit, Michigan last Wednesday at 4 a.m. Those few who attended expressed dissatisfaction with management in no uncertain terms, demanded that Commissioner Aspinall resign and urged the creation of a commission to investigate the many allegations of fraud, bribery, misconduct and treachery. The Board voted unanimously not to do so.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The people who run the Parrish Art Museum have petitioned Hamptons Subway to make a stop in front of their establishment. We’ve just agreed to one at Gurney’s Montauk. If this keeps up, it will take forever to get anywhere on the subway.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY!

 

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