Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Hand Shark, Goat Chowder, Ghost Ship

Shark Baiting
A man was arrested at Indian Wells Beach on Friday for disturbing the peace. The man, a tourist from Finland, stands accused of swimming underwater with his hand protruding from the water in imitation of a shark fin. Swimmers at the beach became highly distressed seeing this, believing that an actual shark was in the water. Police officials explained that the man’s shark imitation was “too realistic” and posed a danger to other beachgoers. He was fined $200 under the 2012 Frobisher Imitating Menacing Sea-Creatures Act, which established a mandatory three-day public-comment period before engaging in realistic shark imitations.

Chowder Brawl
The first annual Old Man McGumbus Jerky Chowder Contest devolved into a brawl over the weekend. It started when the Official Judge, 104-year-old WWII veteran Old Man McGumbus, and the Honorary Chairperson, a former Alaska governor, came to blows over who should win the top prize. It turns out that the governor herself had entered her own famous Moose Jerky Chowder and had every expectation of winning. When the winner was announced, however, it was McGumbus’s Shelter Island–Style Goat Jerky Chowder that emerged victorious. The governor went into her renowned “Mama Grizzly” mode, grabbing McGumbus in a headlock. She was soon joined by members of her family, while McGumbus was aided by North Korean leader Kim Jong Un and his Revolutionary Guard. Police were called in and found a scene of chaos—not to mention a group of judges in serious gastric distress from consuming jerky chowder.

Ghost Party Boat Mystery
Police were alerted early Monday morning to a large luxury yacht floating erratically around on Shelter Island Sound, blasting loud dance music and disturbing the peace. After observing the vessel, the Heavens To Betsy out of Halifax, Nova Scotia, for several hours, police became convinced that there was nobody on board. Had anybody been on board, police said, they would have been getting down to the booming strains of “Get Lucky” that were then pumping through the boat’s sound system. At 10:20 a.m. police boarded the boat. They found it abandoned, but they found a half-eaten breakfast in the captain’s quarters, with the coffee still warm. They noted that a lifeboat was missing, even though the yacht was in working order and there hadn’t been any weather issues. Police were about to tow the boat to shore when Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” came on the system, and they instead broke into spontaneous dancing that went on for several hours.

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