Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Deer Celibacy, McGumbus Sued, Trivia Breakdown

Deer Advocates Protest “Offensive” Signage
Officials received numerous complaints from wildlife advocates offended by new signs that went up over the last week. The signs were paid for by Morals Are Important for Local Fauna (MILF), a group that advocates for less promiscuous sexual behavior in East End wildlife populations. MILF has recently been condemning the deer spaying initiative that has been adopted locally, arguing that it will be “the gateway to consequence-free sexual activity” for deer. The new signs, which MILF has erected throughout local woods and meadows where deer congregate, urges deer to to practice abstinence instead. Wildlife advocates are outraged, pointing out that it is unrealistic to expect young deer to rely on celibacy to avoid pregnancy. On top of that, the slogan for MILF’s campaign—“A Good Buck is Worth Waiting For”—has offended many wildlife lovers, who see it as condescending to does.

Fraud Alleged Against McGumbus
A large New York investment firm has sued Shelter Island’s Old Man McGumbus for what they are calling “misrepresentation of a business with an intent to deceive and defraud investors.” Old Man McGumbus, the 104-year-old WWII veteran and inventor of a secret process for extracting chewable meat gums from animal byproducts, had sold his meat-drying factories and chain of jerky parlors to the firm Phermented Phats LLC for $35 million. In selling, McGumbus had certified to the buyer that his chain of jerky parlors turned an annual profit of $3,250,000. When Phermented Phats lost a ruinous $65 million on the jerky parlors in just one year of ownership, an investigation revealed that in fact the jerky parlor operation had been propped up by a North Korean customer who has for years bought all dried meat products that have failed to sell in the stores. The case against McGumbus will go to trial in the spring.

Trivial Pursuit
Emergency personnel were called to the site of a popular local trivia contest when a contestant in the game suffered a “trivia-induced mental breakdown,” and ran from the event and across the surrounding farmland screaming. Witnesses say the attack was brought on when the victim’s trivia team provided a correct answer to a trivia question and were nevertheless ruled to be incorrect. The question had to do with the date of the founding of a nationwide hamburger restaurant. The victim of the breakdown was eventually located, crouched in a fetal position and spouting information about hamburgers, milkshakes and french fries, and was transported to a local hospital for observation.

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