Sheltered Islander: Santa's Other Checklist

1. Get thermal underwear from LLBean, size OMG.
2. Dry-clean suit, polish boots.
3. Put Tupperware cookie keeper in sleigh for leftover cookies.
4. Check GPS in sleigh, put maps in sleigh console for backup.
5. Thermos of hot chocolate, hot coffee, hot Irish Coffee and tomato soup. Also, ibuprofen, Ben-gay, back support pillow.
6. Parachute.
7. Download Christmas tunes into iPod. Download new Christmas mix into sleigh console, test speakers.
8. No fruitcake for reindeer after 2 p.m. on Christmas Eve. It gives them terrible gas.
9. Toy-making elves must abstain from the eggnog starting now—until I take off on Christmas Eve. Last year’s debacle of mixing the Barbie doll parts with the G.I.Joe parts and passing it off as “Transgender Barbie” did not work at all.
10. No marijuana in the reindeer food. I know they love it, but during practice they all pulled in separate directions and we never got off the ground. Then they stormed the kitchen and ate all the cookies designated for North Korea. It wasn’t a total loss however, since it gave us the idea to add marijuana to all the treats designated for North Korea and see if we can’t mellow these people out.
11. The Wrapping Team did a great job last year and I am sure they will perform the same this year. But the tradition of taping the slowest elf to the giant candy cane outside has to end. Too many of you caught cold going outside to laugh at Bernie Mudge. This year you may tape the slowest elf to the cuckoo in the big clock overlooking the work room. This way you can laugh at him or her every hour without freezing.
12. There are no rap versions of any Christmas Carol permitted to be played over the loud speakers ever. And no one is to let Hubert Tassleman in the DJ booth ever again. I’m sure we all remember him singing, very out of tune, “All I want for Christmas is a Ho, Ho, Ho.”
13. Please make sure the electric foot warmer is working in the sleigh. Last year I had to stop over Asia and buy a yak blanket.
14. Be sure to check for late orders from the Elf on the Shelf people.
15. I know it’s crunch time and we’re all doing our best. But here are a few final reminders:

No fencing with the big candy canes.
No glue sniffing.
No putting someone else’s inspection ticket on your mistakes. If you are inspector #57, and you put a doll’s head on backward, no putting #23 in the box.
When the leprechauns come to help with the final push, do not drink their Irish coffee. It’s mother’s milk to them but crazy juice to elves.

16. Put one toy for each child in the world in the sleigh by 9 p.m. December 24.

Thanx, guys.

– Santa