Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Crime Stats, Construction Halts

2014 Crime Statistics Released
This week, East End officials released their newly compiled crime statistics for 2014. According to police spokesman Larry Hirsch, the past year saw an unexpected rise in certain types of punishable offenses across the area, and as a result 2014 registered an increase in crime over the previous year. For example, in 2014 there were 14 reported arrests for the offense of poaching wild game from the King’s Woods, and 10 local peasants were arrested for pilfering potatoes from the King’s Fields. This represents a shocking 65 percent increase in these crimes as compared to the previous year.

All of those arrested in 2014 for these crimes were found guilty and condemned to transportation. In addition, 17 area children were found guilty of being “irredeemably disobedient” and “committed to obstinacy,” and were summarily removed from school and sent to the Wainscott workhouse to make bootblacking. In 2013, only nine children had to be punished in this way. (Authorities noted that, on the positive side, the workhouse has been producing bootblacking in record quantity for the last seven months—which would be great if only they could figure out what to do with bootblacking.)

Authorities are more troubled by the large numbers of locals who were taken into custody in 2014 for the non-payment of bills. As spokesman Hirsch noted, not only does this pattern reflect an alarming lack of moral character among East End inhabitants, but also the North Haven Debtors Prison is nearing capacity. However, debtors have recently been offered the option of resettlement in Australia in return for debt forgiveness—an option that authorities expect will appeal to some of the more enterprising among the debtors and alleviate the overcrowding.

Construction Project Deep-Sixed?
It was always a bone of contention among locals that the new Hot Dog Hut under construction in Bridgehampton was being built on the site of the historic Dirt Clod Grill—the famous old-time outpost of cowboys and horse thieves that, back in 1903, was the first plastic-framed structure on the South Fork. Now it seems the construction project might in the end be halted because of bones of a different kind. Recently discovered evidence suggests that Buck Huckie, the corpulent proprietor of the Dirt Clod Grill who died in 1935 in a fight with a reluctant lobster, was in fact buried in the backyard of the Dirt Clod Grill. While the precise location of Huckie’s grave is unknown—it was paved over to make room for an open-air tanning salon—it is known that Huckie was buried in a massive walrus costume, in accordance with his wishes. Police are preparing to enforce a stop work order for the site.

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