Before the 87th Academy Awards presentations, our host met with a panel of highly esteemed judges whose predictions during this award season have been right on. Now, on most prestigious award night of the year, our panel was asked to vote on their Oscar-worthy choices.
Please note: The results of the Academy Awards ultimately aren’t important, it is the repartee in this panel discussion that counts, but you may notice that the doxies’ picks were, once again, on the money.
The panel of judges:
Lexington – World-renowned reporter and movie critic whose decisiveness has won her flocks of followers and acclaim.
Park – Steward of the house, popular movie critic, all-around raconteur.
Melissa Tulip – New movie critic on the scene but gaining momentum quickly.
The Host – A regular contributor to DansPapers.com.
The panel discussion begins:
Host: Welcome Lexington, Park and Melissa Tulip. Thank you for joining us for this pre-Oscar look at favorites to win.
Lexington (clearing her throat): Before we begin, might I have a sip of water?
Host: Oh, of course, sorry. (Calls out) Can we get some water here?
(Assistant runs in with a bowl of water.)
Lexington (with disgusted frown): A metal bowl? Hum! And Westminster’s Miss P got a silver bowl at Sardi’s.
Host: Well, sorry, we don’t mean to insult you, but our budget is certainly not that of Sardi’s.
Lexington: Yes (looks around her), I should have known.
Host: Yes, well, I’ll move on then. Welcome, Park.
Park: Is there a biscuit in the house?
Melissa Tulip: I’m famished! I’ll have one too.
Host: I’ll see what we can do. (Host looks around and assistant runs in with a tray of biscuits, distributing them to Park and Melissa Tulip who munch away while Lexington sniffs at it.)
Lexington: Liver? No, thank you.
Host: Um, can we begin now?
Park (licking his lips): Go for it.
Host: The Oscars are about to kick off, so naturally we’re all on the edge of our seats in anticipation of who will take home the golden statue. We’re here to titillate the viewers with your predictions.
Lexington: That’s my forte. I observed the pack, I hunted through each film, I’m ready to attack! Ha! Ha! Ha! Let the games begin!
Host: Thank you for your enthusiasm, Lexington. Well, what are the picks?
Park: Can I pick at another one of those biscuits? I’ll take the one Lexington didn’t want.
Melissa Tulip: There are more biscuits? I’ll take another.
Host: We can see about that later. Let’s get on with the show, shall we? (Park and Melissa Tulip are disappointed and lower their heads.) There’s a filet mignon dinner waiting for all of you in the green room after the show. (They perk up again.)
Lexington: Come on then, begin!
Host: Good, shall we? First up, Best Director. And the nominees are: Wes Anderson for The Grand Budapest Hotel, Alejandro G. Inarritu for Birdman, Richard Linklater for Boyhood, Bennett Miller for Foxcatcher and Morten Tyldum for The Imitation Game.
Lexington: Did you say bird?
Host: Yes, Birdman, one of the most critically acclaimed films this year.
Lexington: Anything to do with birds gets paws up from me. (She holds up both front paws.)
Melissa Tulip: It’s paws up from me too. (She holds up both front paws.)
Park: Me too. (He holds up both front paws.)
Host: So, it’s unanimous, six paws up for Alejandro G. Inarritu. Let’s move on then to the Best Actress category. The nominees are Marion Cotillard for Two Days, One Night, Felicity Jones for The Theory of Everything, Julianne Moore for Still Alice, Rosamund Pike for Gone Girl and Reese Witherspoon for Wild.
Melissa Tulip (jumping up and down): Oh, I know, I know, pick me!
Host: Yes, Melissa Tulip. Who is your choice to win?
Melissa Tulip: Meryl Streep!
Host: Ah, Meryl Streep is up for Best Supporting Actress, not Best Actress.
Melissa Tulip: Well, she should be. She always is, why not this year? She got gipped!
Host: You need to pick from the list of nominees.
Melissa Tulip: OK! OK! But that’s boring. We all know Julianne Moore who, by the way, lives out in my favorite place in all the world, the Hamptons, is going to win.
Host: So, Julianne Moore is your choice.
Melissa Tulip: Isn’t that what I just said?
Lexington: Oh, come on, she’s won every other Best Actress award so far this season—the Golden Globes, the Sag Awards—it’s a no-brainer.
Host: OK, so that’s six paws up? (They all nod yes.) On to the Best Actor category. And the nominees are Steve Carell for Foxcatcher, Bradley Cooper for American Sniper, Benedict Cumberbatch for The Imitation Game, Michael Keaton for Birdman and Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything.
Lexington: Did you say bird again?! I’ll take mine under glass with a little soy sauce on the side.
Host: No, that’s the name of the movie—Birdman!
Lexington (grinning): And it’s about a dachshund eating a bird, right?.
Park: You know the movie isn’t about that.
Lexington: Remember when you ate that mouse?
Park: What’s that got to do with anything?
Lexington (smiles): Ha! Ha! It was funny, that’s all.
Park (burps): Not to me at the time, as I recall.
Lexington: I know, you were sick for a week.
Melissa Tulip: I don’t remember that.
Lexington: It was before your time.
Melissa Tulip: Oh.
Host: Please, can we get back to the nominees?
Park: Who played the Birdman? My vote goes to him.
Host: Michael Keaton.
Park: Yeah, him.
Lexington: Oh, what do you know, Park? He’s not going to win. Didn’t you see Eddie Redmayne? He twisted himself into Steven Hawking. He’s got to win!
Host: You sound definite, Lexington.
Lexington: Yes, I love Eddie Redmayne! Two paws up for Eddie!
Park: Sounds like a crush to me. Too bad he doesn’t know you exist.
Lexington: He will after the show.
Melissa Tulip: Wishful dreaming! Oh, Eddie, if you’re checking this out (winks into camera) call me.
(Lexington growls at Melissa Tulip. They stand and face off.)
Host: Now, now, both of you, please sit. (They reluctantly sit.) And to put an end to this rivalry, Eddie Redmayne is happily married.
Melissa Tulip: He hasn’t met me yet.
(Lexington is up and growling at Melissa Tulip again.)
Host: Please, ladies.
(They sit again and stare at each other.)
Host: Now for Best Picture. The nominees are: American Sniper, Birdman, Boyhood, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, Selma, The Theory of Everything and Whiplash.
Lexington (jumps up): The bird movie!
Park: Boyhood, that’s my pick.
Lexington: You only vote for that because it’s about a boy.
Park: So, would you rather it was called Girlhood?
Lexington (thinking): Yes, yes, I guess I would. Why couldn’t it be about a girl’s life?
Park: Because it’s about a boy’s life.
Host: Looks like we have another draw; this time between Birdman and Boyhood.
Melissa Tulip: Wait! I didn’t vote yet.
Host: That’s true. What’s your choice?
Melissa Tulip: I agree with Park—it’s Boyhood.
Lexington: Oh, what a surprise! Don’t you ever have a thought of your own? You always go along with Park.
Melissa Tulip: That’s not true!
Lexington: Yes, it is!
Melissa Tulip: No, it isn’t.
Park: Actually, you do go along with me most times—
Host: —Then it’s four paws up for Boyhood and two paws up for Birdman. Well, those are our picks for tonight. Thanks to Lexington, Park and Melissa Tulip for this stimulating pre-Oscar buzz. To all of you out there, we hope you enjoyed the 87th Academy Awards, and we send our very best to all the nominees and to all the winners.
Lexington: Wait a second! I just saw Lapeta Lalongo. That pearl dress is just breathtaking!
Melissa Tulip: I want to sniff Gwyneth Paltrow’s great big pink rose!
Park: Those red gloves on Lady Gaga are to die for! You go girl!
Host: Signing off now…Cut!…Cut!
Lexington: Julianne Moore looks like an Oscar winner. Sparkle like the star you are, Julianne!
Melissa Tulip: Nicole Kidman, you need to give your red belt to Lady Gaga. It would finish her outfit nicely.
Park: JLo, hello, hello, hello! You just keep getting better and better looking, girl!
Host: Cut! Cut! Fade to black!
Barbara Anne Kirshner is the author of Madison Weatherbee-The Different Dachshund. She is a regular contributor to DansPapers.com.