Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Christmas Unplugged, St. Brendan

Who Turned the Lights Out?
Police are on the lookout for someone, whom they suspect of being an “eco-vigilante,” who has been unplugging Christmas lights throughout Sag Harbor. Christmas lights in several Sag Harbor locations, which had been in place and shining brightly every night since well before Christmas, were suddenly and inexplicably unplugged sometime this past week. Many of these festive displays adorned currently unoccupied summer homes, and the owners of these homes presumably felt that the time for spreading Christmas cheer, even in their own absence, had not yet past. The cheerful strings of decorative lights had even given some parts of the village an exciting, Times Square-like nighttime glow, and it was hoped that perhaps the homeowners were contemplating making the lights a permanent fixture. According to police spokesman Larry Hirsch, the “eco-vigilante” must have trespassed on private property to disconnect the Vegas-worthy displays, perhaps due to light pollution concerns. “This person apparently feels that dark, scary streets are preferable to having Christmas Eve every night,” Hirsch said, noting that the police have few leads, and are unsure of how to proceed.

St. Patrick Protests
An activist group calling itself “The Sons of Brendan” threatened to disrupt St. Patrick’s Day celebrations in the area last week. The shady group, which claims to be dedicated to “equal time for St. Brendan,” made online threats of large demonstrations and disruptions to the St. Patrick’s Day parades and celebrations across the South Fork in order to “draw attention to the utter neglect of the feats and miracles of St. Brendan the Navigator in favor of the ‘fake snake-killer’ Patrick.” The Sons of Brendan’s website, which has been removed in recent days, included a manifesto. It read, in part: “All of these fools are dressed in green to celebrate the miracles of Patrick, while conveniently overlooking the fact that Ireland never even had snakes! Meanwhile, Brendan the Navigator undertook an arduous sea voyage to find the Garden of Eden, visited an island of sheep, an island of birds and an island of grapes, passed an island of blacksmiths who threw molten slag at him, and was almost dragged down to Hell by demons—nobody celebrates St. Brendan. It’s a disgrace, and the Sons of Brendan hereby demand equal time for Brendan!” Meanwhile, local St. Patrick’s Day events have been proceeding as normal and no sign of the Sons of Brendan has been detected. However, St. Brendan’s Day falls on May 16, and authorities remain vigilant.

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